Yaadein

I don’t remember dates, I don’t remember names and sometimes I even forget faces! What do remain with me are situations and experiences which touched my heart! My emotional memory is so strong; I remember the slightest of things that happened to me when I was just 3 years old!

I think, that is why I am the way I am! I never repeat mistakes! Though I keep making new ones! I find it very hard to forgive, because forgetting it is so difficult in the 1st place! How can I forgive without forgetting?

When I was 3 years old, I remember my parents and my entire family had gone to Dudhsagar waterfall! It was a rainy day, and my mother was holding me! There were a few tourists there, and they were most probably north Indians cause they spoke in hindi. They befriended my family and for the rest of the day we all hanged out together. I remember this particular incident cause one of them asked my mom to hand me over to him, and she did! The moment I went into his arms, I knew something was wrong with this man…he wasn’t right! I wanted to go back to my mom and started swinging myself towards her! I could feel his hand go inside my dress, when things really crossed the line I started crying and my mother took me away! That was my 1st experience with abuse- sexual abuse at the age of 3! That is the reason, even when my aunts with their young one’s would hand them over to strangers I would get extremely scared and keep a 100% watch on the stranger! When I was comfortable enough to talk about it, sometime at the age of 15, I would directly say it, “ its not good to hand over your children to strangers!”

Many woman might find my behavior to be too particular or fussy! But because a child doesn’t know how to ask for help, you have to be there the whole time to protect her/him! So my advice to everyone- please, never trust a stranger with your children, especially when traveling- do not leave them unattended!

When I was 12, that was the 1st time I was traveling by bus! I was wearing a short dress and my mother couldn’t come to pick me up and so I had to take a bus home! A man, in his mid 30’s got into d same bus as me. There were 3 more women around and I was sitting with 1. This man started touching me at uncomfortable places, I told the woman sitting besides me and she simply turned her face the other side as if nothing had happened. My heart was beating so fast, I felt someone had glued me to my seat! For total 10 minutes I was numb! And he touched again…….I don’t know what triggered a reaction in my brain? I was carrying a big umbrella- it was august- still raining! And hit it where it hurts men the most. And I didn’t stop with one blow, I kept hitting repeatedly- I wanted to kill him! The man fell down, due to slippery floor and the woman sitting next to me came to stop me- “ haath laynaka na jalyar tujeruy don ditle!” “Don’t you touch me or I’ll hit you!” The woman backed out, but the man ran away! I still remember him. I am sure he was a pedophile! When I was 15, I saw him around the bus stop again- I wanted to drag him to the police station.

 I stay very close to the bus stand and pass by it almost every day- and I am on a look out for him…..the day I see him, now that I know I can take an action- I swear I wont let him stand there! A maniac is out there, and our innocent children can be victimized!

The very next day, I joined karate- karate gave me the confidence to hit, and scream out loud, and say a loud “ NO” when it is required!

Now, I know I am not a karate kid and I am not that strong too, what is required is a fearless mind and the confidence- no matter who you are up against- fight you must, if you have to!

The fear within me is gone….but the painful memories still fresh and they always will be!