Thursday, May 25, 2023

The Silence is killing us- Religion, Caste, Gender and India today

 I am currently attending a workshop by Adv.Norma Alvares and Adv. Claude Alvares on Public Interest Litigation. It started in April, 16 lectures on 16 topics of public interest.

These discussions only made it absolutely clear what state we are in as a democracy! How the environment is under a full blown attack and nobody cares about it. 


The widespread corruption! Not that it was ever any less! It has always been the case in India that the rich and the powerful get away with anything. 

(Watched Trial by Fire on Netflix. It's a true story. in 1997 A cinema hall in Delhi called Uphaar burnt down due to management negligence. 59 people died. And the owners- Ansals got away with just 6 months  imprisonment ,that too after 25 years of litigation that went upto Supreme Court. There is also a book by the same name written by Krishnamoorthy's. These parents lost both their children in that fire. They found out that The film hall was locked from outside. When the transformer in the basement caught fire, people in the hall started suffocating due to smoke. But they couldn't get out. The management, The Ansals, had strictly told the Manager to lock the hall so that not a single person enters without a ticket! This story is about their struggle to get justice. A struggle that never saw justice take place. We often want happy endings. And we find it very stressful to watch such 'negative' endings. But reality and the truth can be harsh. We must grow up and build the courage to face it.)


While this is happening in the background: most people are enjoying their free ride!  The activists are burning their ass off to stop illegal activities happening throughout the State. But the activists are a few. The powerful are too powerful. The ignorance and lack of care by the rest of people will finally take down all of us! 


( One film which is on spot on this issue is "Don't Look Up" - On Netflix. I thought everyone would understand what this film is trying to say. It's not about a meteorite hitting planet Earth. It is about the state of affairs we are in! How stupid our democratically elected representatives are, how the media is manipulating us and how the social media has trapped us. The film got released, I was like- Oh Thank god! At least now , some people will wake up from their slumber! But no. I over-estimated the stupidity which is rampant in our society. I found myself hyperventilating like Jennifer Lawrence for a while, and then accepted the situation that we are all doomed! ) 

Citizens in general don't care about the environment, the pollution, state of our water bodies. Their focus is on the rat race.  Their limited intellect isn't helping them connect the dots to see that their children are going to be the ones to suffer the most!


So what do we do from here? What are you expecting the world to do? Stop? Like it happened during Covid?

Yes!

Maybe Covid happened so we could stop and look at what is happening for once. 

But again, I realised I had under estimated the stupidity. 

Soon, everything went on as usual.

Nothing changed!

Not a rule changed!


I read somewhere that the biggest enemy is not evil.

The biggest enemy is stupidity.

The Evil will use the stupid to do evil. and the stupid will do it because he is stupid.


So what we should all sit and talk about serious stuff and get stressed and die?

No.

At the least, be a part of the solution. 

open your tiny brains to understand what sustainability is, what climate change is. 

At least don't be stupid damn it!

Don't fight amongst yourselves over religions! That's like the mega dumbest thing to do on this planet right now. This is like - baba, what danger are we really facing as a planet and what are you fighting against?

The second dumbest thing is this social race - keeping up with the Jonases! Everyone is thinking - My car, my house, my family, my child, my wife, my this, my that!

Their world doesn't extend beyond that. 

this is it!

This is the start and the finish to their life's story.

My dreams, my desires, my body, my hair, my skin, my jewels, my ...my ..my! 

🙄

For once, step outside this I ,me, myself and look around you.

For once, think- I've got everything I need. What can I do today for someone else? 

For once- spare a thought at least for someone else- a prayer maybe, a good intention, a blessing- anything will do. You don't need to be a crorepati to do something.

We often complain about the rich hoarding money. But how are we any different? They have crores and give away only a few lakhs. We have Lakhs, do we give away a few thousands maybe to save someone else's life? There too we will keep an account. 

And when it comes to helping, if you must help. Please help someone who can not do anything for you.

don't trade in this. 


But minorities are really suffering right now!

Can you not understand that we need to stop talking this nonsense about minorities and majorities? About upper castes and lower castes? 

Can you not see we are being divided on flimsy issues in order to cover up the main issues?

Can you please stop fighting over the candy because you won't have air to breathe tomorrow, damn it!

I am saying this here- Both- Both of you are equally responsible for this shit!

The minorities want stuff for themselves. They want 'special' treatment.

So why shouldn't the majorities not want stuff for themselves too?

What have you done special to deserve the special treatment?

The lower castes want reservation, then why shouldn't the upper castes play games with you?

How long will you take to keep the past in it's place and live in the present?

Is it necessary to walk around with the shit someone threw in your face a 1000 years ago?

Or 100 years ago?

Or 10 years ago?

Or 1 year ago?

How much time do you need to grow out of this stupidity?

Can you start talking as human beings? Rather than talking on your caste, religion, gender lines ? 

This is disgusting!

Both these groups disgust me! Their hypocracy , their limited mindsets, their stupidity, their inability to look beyond themselves disgusts me! 

They are so attached to one class of people that they don't see the pain the other side feels!

That is how insensitive they have become.

So only minorities are suffering. If someone from majority side is killed, raped, burnt alive- do anything with them, but this class of people won't speak up. 

Why?

They are not humans?

Human Rights dont apply to them?

If you care so much about human rights, shouldn't you feel it for all?


So, yes

Something has gone terribly wrong on systemic level. Our systems are stupid. They are making us stupid. Our education system has made us numb dumbasses! 

We need to work together for our growth. We don't need to work our ass off for a job to make a living.

Even animals make a living without an education, don't they?

Why is it that some of us have so much and why is it that we don't care a damn about those who don't have much.

Why is it that our farmers are poor? and our CEO's are so god damned rich? How can it be that the person who grows our food and takes care of our soil is at the bottom of our hierarchy?

Have you ever thought about it?

Don't you see the system is upside down?

How can you be okay with this injustice?

Why are we not protecting our farmers? Aren't they the ones to put food on our tables?

Are we going to eat computers and mobile towers tomorrow?

When is this stupidity going to stop?

Is it ever going to stop?

Is it too much to ask these questions? Or you want me to sugar coat them so you don't feel too bad about being stupid? 

Yes, let's talk about this, okay? You say whatever you have on your mind about me- selfish bitch what the hell are you doing to change the situation? who the hell do you think you are to point fingers at us? righteous bitch as if you are any different from us!

yes , let it all come out.

say it.

But let's talk about the issues that matter the most to us, okay?

let's fight over having a better environment, having more time for all of us, having no stress, 

let's fight for a better future for all of our children! 

but let's not keep silent anymore, alright?

The silence is killing us!



Edit #1 : I am aware of religious , caste, gender persecution issues. I am not saying it doesn't matter at all. It is unfair to persecute someone because someone is a woman, or because she is a muslim or rape her because she is a hindu. That is wrong. 

What I want to put focus on is the silence we keep when something is wrong. When someone from my family does something wrong which hurts someone else from another family, I choose to keep quiet because this is family! - This mentality is the problem. 

Those who can see something is wrong - choose to not speak up. So the wrong keeps perpetuating.










 

Wednesday, May 24, 2023

Sadhanapada : Post 2 : Preparation, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster!

 I had used Buddha's "Equanimity" technique to deal with those 25 days of applying and waiting for the answer.

So I was in that in between stage: It may happen or it may not happen. Be okay with any result.

I was practicing Shambhavi, bhuta shuddhi, fasting and I was also fully involved in my life in Goa. My cats, home, husband, parents, friends, sister- the usual rackets were on!

But after the approval, things changed. I wasn't equanimous anymore. I was going away for 7+ months, my life in Goa came to a full stop. 

It was almost like I was told I am dying in June 2023 so do whatever you need to do here in Goa before that.

Suddenly there was this deep urge to go camping, to stay up all night, to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, to meet people I didnt care about meeting because I had all the time in the world, now there were just 4 months! I panicked! 

I was also worried. I was deeply worried about my people back home, yes the same people I usually complain about. 

How will they live their lives without me? What if something goes wrong? I won't be able to come back in these 7 months. I started thinking of the worst case scenarios and preparing for those. What followed was high levels of anxiety. Shambhavi mahamudra was arresting it till some extent, but then my schedule went completely out of hand till a point that I just couldn't get out of my bed on some days. All I wanted to do was to sleep and troubleshoot in my brain.

Some funny things also started happening. As if life started playing on fast forward mode. I had stopped talking with a few friends, I got back in touch with them. Some of them wanted closure , I think I said the right things so they could have the closure they needed. (Or did I make a small opening for a new life inquiry in the name of closure? )

My mind was racing, it was super duper scared! An Ashram isn't a good place for the mind and the ego. They both take severe beating in that place. It's Tihar Jail for the mind! It's the hardest thing one could endure if mind and ego is centre stage.

My mind and ego are centre stage. I know it because I can see how I get angry and upset.  I struggle to accept things. I worry about life being unfair, unjust, cruel, a bad place. I have a 1000 worries in my mind right now. Duniya ka bojh mere kandhe pe hai!

What worried me most was how to pack for 7 months? IYC (Isha Yoga Centre) said get 7 sets of casual/work clothes, 2 pairs of track pants and t-shirt, 1 pair of white top and bottom, and 1 formal wear. One of my biggest attachments is clothes.I love to wear freshly washed garment every day. I don't like to repeat clothes often. I will wear one pair this week and repeat it maybe in 2 weeks or so. 

My second biggest attachment is Books! I read digital as well as physical copies. "Akka, can we get books?" 

" You can get but I doubt you will get the time to read." - IYC.

So what followed was this panicky state in which I started consuming books. I wanted to read everything! I started reading 10 books at the same time! Even during practicing mahamudra I was thinking which book, what page, what concept, what to note down...

Third attachment is intellectual conversations , which are rare anyway. But I still 'look out' for them. IYC has said Sadhanapada is not the time for networking, making friends , debating. It is the time for inner growth. It's not meant for socialising. 

I hunted down people with whom I could engage in an intellectual romance! After one such full day of hyper-intellectual talk, in which I spoke continuously, without food for over 6 hours, I came home and collapsed! I had to be taken to the hospital to check my vital signs. Heat was also on the rise, summer is more hot than it ever was , thanks to Climate change! So the heat, my mind on full blast, no food, a big mugfull  coffee and one big cup of tea = me collapsing!

Thankfully everything was normal- pressure, sugar. Doctor asked to take rest and not think too much. Relax!

I did not know how to relax!

At that point I had even forgotten to deep breathe. I was aware of my breath. I was aware of everything. But as I said earlier, awareness is not enough, I need something more.

That something more is 'actually doing it'.

Over the last decade I have become more of an academician. I study, I theorise but I have very little practical experience. I have tested a few things, but those were like lab tests within a small range. What I lack is large scale, wild, real- life testing. Not a simulation! 

And because I have less practical experience, I have more doubt.

I doubt everything. 

The good part about doubt is that you take nothing for granted. But the bad part of doubt is that it wastes a lot of time in installation mode. To operate life, you must assume a few things that you know. They have worked in the past and they will work now. Yesterday I was able to run 10 kms, so today I should be able to do it. Yes, all days won't be the same. Some day you'll do it easy, some days you struggle to cover the same distance. But that is no reason to doubt it's efficacy. If the basics are taken care of, you are good to go. You can't live life on exceptions and on the odd case/worst case scenario. 

At my age, most people are super sure about at least a few things. Some of them are sure of their marriage, some are sure of their careers, some are sure of their talents and passions.

I am not sure about anything!

From what I have experienced in my life so far- "anything can happen anytime " is the only statement I am sure of. 

So this stage lasted from around March till Mid May. 

Finally in May I am exhausted ! 

I have eaten everything I want to eat. Stressed and panicked as much as I would like. Packed, over packed and then emptied the bag and finally put in exactly what they asked me to get. No more. No less. I have run every scenario in my head- I may leave and come back within a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or actually complete the whole program and do the sadhana to my heart's desire! 

Whatever it is, I am finally ready to face it. I felt like Arjuna facing the great battle and his dilemma, why am I doing this? 

Regardless of what the consequences will be- I will do this program. I will give my 100% to it. Each day. 

This is it. 






Sadhanapada 2023: 1st post

 8 days to go till I reach Isha Yoga centre , Coimbatore for Sadhanapada 2023.

I did the Inner Engineering course in December 2018 in Margao, Goa. I practiced shambhavi for up to 6 months and then as always, something else came up. I forgot the IE rules, all I remembered were the steps, which I practiced once in a while, mechanically. 

I have learnt several meditation techniques so far. Vipassana is one I practiced for the longest time. In our world today, it is getting increasingly difficult to go deeper, unless you disconnect from everything. And although they tell us not to expect anything, and to just believe in the process. yet, At some point, we all know, we do want to see some results. 

There have been results.  I am aware when I am angry. I am aware when I am sad. I am aware , I am watching myself doing everything I do. The Observer in me is activated and alive.

The problem right now is to be able to go beyond awareness. I am not interested in sitting mute and letting someone come and slap me or spit on me and be okay with it. I want to be aware enough to slap him before he slaps me and break his fucking mouth before  he even thinks of spitting!  

(Sorry, that's the MMA in me speaking. No, but I am not actually sorry, am I? No. I will bloody kill the person who attacks me. )


Anyway, 

I have a warrior in me. Bhagavad Gita makes complete sense to me. And therefore , Buddha's teaching have limited effect over me.

 Here was a man who was a King, had everything, experienced only the best life had to offer. then he left everything and experienced suffering. And after both these extremes, he came to the understanding of 'Equanimity', the middle path. 

That is his journey. 

Not mine.

My search is on.

People on this journey talk about following one guru, one teaching and not mix up things. 

This ,to me is like studying one subject from one teacher and not learn any other subjects because it would influence each other. So learn only maths, don't learn science.

I have followed many teachings, I read books from several authors and they all help me build an understanding about my life and my path. I don't like blind belief. "Guru says so be it" does not work with me. 

I will put it to test.

I need to understand. I will take my time but I will arrive when I am ready.


Anyway, after completing another big circle of trial and error , jobs, marriage, relationships and the drama they bring along; I was once more ready to take a break from this circus and go and find a Guru, some teaching, some answers. 

This, by the way happens to me every few years. My mother thinks I am abnormal. Why is it only happening to you? Are others waiting again and again? Are others taking such breaks? Why only you?

Now how do I know what is happening to others? Or what is not happening to them?

And just because it is happening to others, should I do something? 

Shouldn't I lead my life based on what is happening to me?

This has been my life long struggle with my family. They want to 'fit in' and they refuse to live a life based on what they are authentically feeling. 

And this has made me the Villain in their life!

Anyway, I have accepted my role after much struggle.

Why I struggled with the Villain role I dont understand now. I have never been the 'oh poor little woman!' or what they call in Goa as 'Babdi' (poor soul) . 

As a child, I was a fighter cock.I argued and fought and got punished for it in school.  Mamma would try to make me feel guilty in every possible way she could find to stop me from behaving the way I behaved.

She did succeed in many ways for a long time. Until one day I just gave up on this 'validation' game. No matter what I do, it just doesnt make my people happy.

So fuck it!

I am going to be the way I am.

I will change when and if I see a reason to change. Or if I see no reason also it is okay, but something should inspire me to change.

But change for the sake of fitting in and making others happy is the dumbest thing to do.

Not my game.


So,

the year was 2022 (last year)

I had tried my hand at Court practice.

It was exciting. It was good.

except that I did not want to defend assholes! 

I have a skillset, I rather use it for the right causes. Why waste time on liers and cheaters? Life is short. I dont want to waste it on such people. What's the point in protecting rich people get richer? And liers cheat more innocent souls? 

Being rich is not a crime.

But cheating others in order to be rich, is.

I just couldn't play the game on Devil's team.

I left.

Family was upset once again. I realise that most families dont really care what you do for a living or how you make money, as long as you make money. 


Anyway, I was ready for a break. I was disillusioned after defending a client who I realised had lied to me 3 months into his case. Some neighbour who is a Muslim forwarded to me Sadhanapada video, she said if she was free, she would have applied. I checked out the video and was sold on the idea. I already had done IE ,so I was eligible to apply. But first, I thought it would be a good idea to go and check out the Ashram and the culture. I immediately signed up for a volunteering program in November. 

The Isha Yoga Centre felt like home the very day I arrived there. Volunteering was hard. I had my usual round of arguments with my fellow volunteers. But my co-ordinator , one Alka Akka ,left a deep impression on me with her selfless service. She was a 100% into it. I never saw her lose her calm. She hardly ate. I didn't see her sleep. She was on and on and on. When some volunteers did not listen to her, she did not shout , she did not raise her voice, her smile did not disappear on her. She picked up the broom and she swept the floor, she laid the mattress, she served the food, she washed the utensils. On the last day, when we were giving our feedback to her, I broke down, in front of all the volunteers. I cried and couldn't stop. To me, I had found my guru. To me, she was IT! 

I was so shaken to my core by her being who she was, that I did not know what was happening inside me. When I was leaving the Ashram, she asked me if I would come back. I said no, never. She smiled, and she said I would. She said once you have found your way to him, there is no way to go back.

I told her she needs to take care of herself. This is not the way to work I said. This is not fair. She laughed, " Arrey, you dont know how I eat! I eat a lot. This was just for 4 days. You don't worry. We are all taken good care of here akka, don't worry."

I went back home and couldn't take Isha out of my head, nor could I forget Alka Akka. I called up at Isha and asked to speak to her. I did not know her other details and they couldn't locate her for me. within a week, I signed up for Bhava Spandana Program! 

It was mind blowing!

I don't need to say anything else. I am someone who has done the usual weed high and bhaang and had my intra celestrial rides!

But BSP by far was the most extra-ordinary experience! 

On my way back from BSP, I signed up for Sadhanapada. 

I knew what the Ashram was like, I had experienced volunteering. I was ready to take this step.

Isha people called within a week, then the video call happened, they called my husband and asked if he was okay with it. We both needed a break from each other so he said - Take her! 

They asked if I had any loans or other financial issues. 

Thankfully, none so far.

I could never get deep into the financial game to have any debts of my own.

On their form, they had asked if I have any psychological issues. I told them I have taken therapy on and off. 10 more detailed questions on that followed. The answer to those questions was a mini novel, or a Novella. God knows whether they read it or not. I got no reply to that email. They asked me for my blood report, and a form to be filled by my doctor. 

Within a month, I got the approval mail.

I was in.


Next Post: Preparation, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster! 




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