8 days to go till I reach Isha Yoga centre , Coimbatore for Sadhanapada 2023.
I did the Inner Engineering course in December 2018 in Margao, Goa. I practiced shambhavi for up to 6 months and then as always, something else came up. I forgot the IE rules, all I remembered were the steps, which I practiced once in a while, mechanically.
I have learnt several meditation techniques so far. Vipassana is one I practiced for the longest time. In our world today, it is getting increasingly difficult to go deeper, unless you disconnect from everything. And although they tell us not to expect anything, and to just believe in the process. yet, At some point, we all know, we do want to see some results.
There have been results. I am aware when I am angry. I am aware when I am sad. I am aware , I am watching myself doing everything I do. The Observer in me is activated and alive.
The problem right now is to be able to go beyond awareness. I am not interested in sitting mute and letting someone come and slap me or spit on me and be okay with it. I want to be aware enough to slap him before he slaps me and break his fucking mouth before he even thinks of spitting!
(Sorry, that's the MMA in me speaking. No, but I am not actually sorry, am I? No. I will bloody kill the person who attacks me. )
Anyway,
I have a warrior in me. Bhagavad Gita makes complete sense to me. And therefore , Buddha's teaching have limited effect over me.
Here was a man who was a King, had everything, experienced only the best life had to offer. then he left everything and experienced suffering. And after both these extremes, he came to the understanding of 'Equanimity', the middle path.
That is his journey.
Not mine.
My search is on.
People on this journey talk about following one guru, one teaching and not mix up things.
This ,to me is like studying one subject from one teacher and not learn any other subjects because it would influence each other. So learn only maths, don't learn science.
I have followed many teachings, I read books from several authors and they all help me build an understanding about my life and my path. I don't like blind belief. "Guru says so be it" does not work with me.
I will put it to test.
I need to understand. I will take my time but I will arrive when I am ready.
Anyway, after completing another big circle of trial and error , jobs, marriage, relationships and the drama they bring along; I was once more ready to take a break from this circus and go and find a Guru, some teaching, some answers.
This, by the way happens to me every few years. My mother thinks I am abnormal. Why is it only happening to you? Are others waiting again and again? Are others taking such breaks? Why only you?
Now how do I know what is happening to others? Or what is not happening to them?
And just because it is happening to others, should I do something?
Shouldn't I lead my life based on what is happening to me?
This has been my life long struggle with my family. They want to 'fit in' and they refuse to live a life based on what they are authentically feeling.
And this has made me the Villain in their life!
Anyway, I have accepted my role after much struggle.
Why I struggled with the Villain role I dont understand now. I have never been the 'oh poor little woman!' or what they call in Goa as 'Babdi' (poor soul) .
As a child, I was a fighter cock.I argued and fought and got punished for it in school. Mamma would try to make me feel guilty in every possible way she could find to stop me from behaving the way I behaved.
She did succeed in many ways for a long time. Until one day I just gave up on this 'validation' game. No matter what I do, it just doesnt make my people happy.
So fuck it!
I am going to be the way I am.
I will change when and if I see a reason to change. Or if I see no reason also it is okay, but something should inspire me to change.
But change for the sake of fitting in and making others happy is the dumbest thing to do.
Not my game.
So,
the year was 2022 (last year)
I had tried my hand at Court practice.
It was exciting. It was good.
except that I did not want to defend assholes!
I have a skillset, I rather use it for the right causes. Why waste time on liers and cheaters? Life is short. I dont want to waste it on such people. What's the point in protecting rich people get richer? And liers cheat more innocent souls?
Being rich is not a crime.
But cheating others in order to be rich, is.
I just couldn't play the game on Devil's team.
I left.
Family was upset once again. I realise that most families dont really care what you do for a living or how you make money, as long as you make money.
Anyway, I was ready for a break. I was disillusioned after defending a client who I realised had lied to me 3 months into his case. Some neighbour who is a Muslim forwarded to me Sadhanapada video, she said if she was free, she would have applied. I checked out the video and was sold on the idea. I already had done IE ,so I was eligible to apply. But first, I thought it would be a good idea to go and check out the Ashram and the culture. I immediately signed up for a volunteering program in November.
The Isha Yoga Centre felt like home the very day I arrived there. Volunteering was hard. I had my usual round of arguments with my fellow volunteers. But my co-ordinator , one Alka Akka ,left a deep impression on me with her selfless service. She was a 100% into it. I never saw her lose her calm. She hardly ate. I didn't see her sleep. She was on and on and on. When some volunteers did not listen to her, she did not shout , she did not raise her voice, her smile did not disappear on her. She picked up the broom and she swept the floor, she laid the mattress, she served the food, she washed the utensils. On the last day, when we were giving our feedback to her, I broke down, in front of all the volunteers. I cried and couldn't stop. To me, I had found my guru. To me, she was IT!
I was so shaken to my core by her being who she was, that I did not know what was happening inside me. When I was leaving the Ashram, she asked me if I would come back. I said no, never. She smiled, and she said I would. She said once you have found your way to him, there is no way to go back.
I told her she needs to take care of herself. This is not the way to work I said. This is not fair. She laughed, " Arrey, you dont know how I eat! I eat a lot. This was just for 4 days. You don't worry. We are all taken good care of here akka, don't worry."
I went back home and couldn't take Isha out of my head, nor could I forget Alka Akka. I called up at Isha and asked to speak to her. I did not know her other details and they couldn't locate her for me. within a week, I signed up for Bhava Spandana Program!
It was mind blowing!
I don't need to say anything else. I am someone who has done the usual weed high and bhaang and had my intra celestrial rides!
But BSP by far was the most extra-ordinary experience!
On my way back from BSP, I signed up for Sadhanapada.
I knew what the Ashram was like, I had experienced volunteering. I was ready to take this step.
Isha people called within a week, then the video call happened, they called my husband and asked if he was okay with it. We both needed a break from each other so he said - Take her!
They asked if I had any loans or other financial issues.
Thankfully, none so far.
I could never get deep into the financial game to have any debts of my own.
On their form, they had asked if I have any psychological issues. I told them I have taken therapy on and off. 10 more detailed questions on that followed. The answer to those questions was a mini novel, or a Novella. God knows whether they read it or not. I got no reply to that email. They asked me for my blood report, and a form to be filled by my doctor.
Within a month, I got the approval mail.
I was in.
Next Post: Preparation, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster!
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