I had used Buddha's "Equanimity" technique to deal with those 25 days of applying and waiting for the answer.
So I was in that in between stage: It may happen or it may not happen. Be okay with any result.
I was practicing Shambhavi, bhuta shuddhi, fasting and I was also fully involved in my life in Goa. My cats, home, husband, parents, friends, sister- the usual rackets were on!
But after the approval, things changed. I wasn't equanimous anymore. I was going away for 7+ months, my life in Goa came to a full stop.
It was almost like I was told I am dying in June 2023 so do whatever you need to do here in Goa before that.
Suddenly there was this deep urge to go camping, to stay up all night, to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, to meet people I didnt care about meeting because I had all the time in the world, now there were just 4 months! I panicked!
I was also worried. I was deeply worried about my people back home, yes the same people I usually complain about.
How will they live their lives without me? What if something goes wrong? I won't be able to come back in these 7 months. I started thinking of the worst case scenarios and preparing for those. What followed was high levels of anxiety. Shambhavi mahamudra was arresting it till some extent, but then my schedule went completely out of hand till a point that I just couldn't get out of my bed on some days. All I wanted to do was to sleep and troubleshoot in my brain.
Some funny things also started happening. As if life started playing on fast forward mode. I had stopped talking with a few friends, I got back in touch with them. Some of them wanted closure , I think I said the right things so they could have the closure they needed. (Or did I make a small opening for a new life inquiry in the name of closure? )
My mind was racing, it was super duper scared! An Ashram isn't a good place for the mind and the ego. They both take severe beating in that place. It's Tihar Jail for the mind! It's the hardest thing one could endure if mind and ego is centre stage.
My mind and ego are centre stage. I know it because I can see how I get angry and upset. I struggle to accept things. I worry about life being unfair, unjust, cruel, a bad place. I have a 1000 worries in my mind right now. Duniya ka bojh mere kandhe pe hai!
What worried me most was how to pack for 7 months? IYC (Isha Yoga Centre) said get 7 sets of casual/work clothes, 2 pairs of track pants and t-shirt, 1 pair of white top and bottom, and 1 formal wear. One of my biggest attachments is clothes.I love to wear freshly washed garment every day. I don't like to repeat clothes often. I will wear one pair this week and repeat it maybe in 2 weeks or so.
My second biggest attachment is Books! I read digital as well as physical copies. "Akka, can we get books?"
" You can get but I doubt you will get the time to read." - IYC.
So what followed was this panicky state in which I started consuming books. I wanted to read everything! I started reading 10 books at the same time! Even during practicing mahamudra I was thinking which book, what page, what concept, what to note down...
Third attachment is intellectual conversations , which are rare anyway. But I still 'look out' for them. IYC has said Sadhanapada is not the time for networking, making friends , debating. It is the time for inner growth. It's not meant for socialising.
I hunted down people with whom I could engage in an intellectual romance! After one such full day of hyper-intellectual talk, in which I spoke continuously, without food for over 6 hours, I came home and collapsed! I had to be taken to the hospital to check my vital signs. Heat was also on the rise, summer is more hot than it ever was , thanks to Climate change! So the heat, my mind on full blast, no food, a big mugfull coffee and one big cup of tea = me collapsing!
Thankfully everything was normal- pressure, sugar. Doctor asked to take rest and not think too much. Relax!
I did not know how to relax!
At that point I had even forgotten to deep breathe. I was aware of my breath. I was aware of everything. But as I said earlier, awareness is not enough, I need something more.
That something more is 'actually doing it'.
Over the last decade I have become more of an academician. I study, I theorise but I have very little practical experience. I have tested a few things, but those were like lab tests within a small range. What I lack is large scale, wild, real- life testing. Not a simulation!
And because I have less practical experience, I have more doubt.
I doubt everything.
The good part about doubt is that you take nothing for granted. But the bad part of doubt is that it wastes a lot of time in installation mode. To operate life, you must assume a few things that you know. They have worked in the past and they will work now. Yesterday I was able to run 10 kms, so today I should be able to do it. Yes, all days won't be the same. Some day you'll do it easy, some days you struggle to cover the same distance. But that is no reason to doubt it's efficacy. If the basics are taken care of, you are good to go. You can't live life on exceptions and on the odd case/worst case scenario.
At my age, most people are super sure about at least a few things. Some of them are sure of their marriage, some are sure of their careers, some are sure of their talents and passions.
I am not sure about anything!
From what I have experienced in my life so far- "anything can happen anytime " is the only statement I am sure of.
So this stage lasted from around March till Mid May.
Finally in May I am exhausted !
I have eaten everything I want to eat. Stressed and panicked as much as I would like. Packed, over packed and then emptied the bag and finally put in exactly what they asked me to get. No more. No less. I have run every scenario in my head- I may leave and come back within a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or actually complete the whole program and do the sadhana to my heart's desire!
Whatever it is, I am finally ready to face it. I felt like Arjuna facing the great battle and his dilemma, why am I doing this?
Regardless of what the consequences will be- I will do this program. I will give my 100% to it. Each day.
This is it.
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