Hey, Do you know that I'm studying a lot now a days? I'm 25 and I'm surprised with myself that I still enjoy studying. When I was in 10th std I'd once decided ''Graduation''...that's it! No more!
But look at me here....I want to go on...study new subjects...take up a challenge, find a teacher, take her scolding, feel useless, score really low marks maybe and wonder what's wrong with my brain and its capacity... ..but I want to be a student...not just till I complete this course...but throughout my life!
I am a student at heart...I love to learn, anything, everything......
Hey,about something that happened with me : The other day, there was this man on a scooter who followed me while I was walking to my class and grabbed at my jacket. I really don't know what he was upto. He then went ahead ,stopped his bike and kept looking at me. He was wearing a helmet, so I did not see his face. It took me 15 seconds to get myself out of the ''Freeze'' stage! Yeah! That's what happens to me when I feel threatened......earlier, when I was younger, this Freeze stage would take forever...I could do nothing about it...but with time, and bitter experiences, I learnt...and I pulled myself out of it. I quickly made a call to a friend and held it to my ear and took out the pepper spray that was in my bag. The man watched me for around a minute and then left. I walked as fast as I could to my class...and when I reached there....I started trembling! Because I was aware the whole time that my pepper spray could do no harm to that man with the helmet on...and I was aware of my weaknesses and I thought about situations that could happen, that have happened with other girls and women....what if it was a van which had stopped by? Am I strong enough to fight 2 to 3 men?
There are these times when I feel so threatened from the world...I feel attacked. And I've had more than a few experiences, wherein either nobody was around to help me, or that even when I raised an alarm, nobody came for help!It has happened so many times with me in Goan buses. Goan buses are the worst transport services I've ever experienced so far.They pack in people like we are some goods to be transported. There are no separate compartments for men and women. I wonder what the government has been doing about this all these years...useless people all of them!
In these buses, its an everyday event to have your butt pinched or ass slapped or be touched at some other place and not even know who did it! One such time I raised an alarm and shouted at a man, the man shouted back at me, backed by the conductor who asked me to Behave myself! Their argument was, if I can not handle a crowd, then why am I travelling by a public transport..? Girls like me should always travel by private vehicle!
Now I've accepted this reality as a part of life. It's not just these men who misbehave with women, mind you. But also those who consider women as 2nd class citizens. Who despite of an education and a degree, do not know how to treat a woman.
At times I see my soul separate itself from my body. These real sick men can only try to mess with my body and my emotions but they can never touch, never reach,never hurt my soul! And then I realised, that even if I was really hurt badly by one of these sick men, in some bad way....maybe physically,emotionally,sexually........I would still survive, because my soul is too strong, too adamant to let go of life!
Oh Well! Those were some really serious paragraphs, weren't they?
It's just that this thing happened recently so it's still fresh in my mind, and it brought the memory of all the old times.
What really helped when I got back home was a reassuring hug from a close friend....
sometimes a jaduki jhappi is all you need when words can't help!
Oh what would I do without friends?
Nothing!
Hmm......What else?It's getting late and tomorrow night is Diwali! I am going to make some Goan dishes for my friends.....I've never cooked those before....but I'm sure my friends will understand and accept and finish the food! :-)
That's it for now,
will get back with more news as and when time permits,
Take care,
And hey...in spite of all that I said....I still love life!
So don't worry about me, I'm fine and Rocking!
Love
JSincro
( Please Note:
To the Reader of this letter,
You can be that someone and write to me. One sentence or a real long mail.........anything you would like to say,share,express....just like you would ,to a pen friend maybe?
I really love to read letters.
So Your responses are most welcome and awaited!)
Keep Rockin', sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI envy you for your drive to study even at this stage. I mean, yes - we all decide in 10th std that we dont want to study much longer. And we all end up wanting to learn something new forever. BUT, it is one thing to learn from daily life experiences and quite another to learn as in *study*. Plus, of course, the peripherals that come with a course (as you very well described - get scolded, get low marks, pull up your socks etc).
ReplyDeleteRegarding your scary experience - I wonder whether there is any cure, any hope at all. It is one of those things that make one feel so totally helpless. Not everyone has it in them to regard their bodies differently from soul.
I've gathered from the women in my life that it is often the middle-to-aged men who are the worst offenders in buses and other public places. Even if the girl raises an alarm, very few people would believe that this old man is guilty of anything of this sort!
OK - there - I've done my part :)
@ Blase: Thank u!
ReplyDelete@ Kiran: Thanx for your response :-)
It really made me think about writing a post after our discussion yesterday.
I think its in those totally helpless times when I detach myself from my body.....It's something like when your house is being attacked, you go and hide in a cellar,or a vault or a safe!Surprisingly I realize here, that when I say 'Me', 'I' or 'Myself'...its not my physical form but my soul.So there are actually these 2 forms in "Me", in everyone.....
wohha! I think I could write another post on this :-)