I Am In Silence!

" I am in Silence"  It was written on the badge that hung in her neck. She showed it to him and smiled sweetly.

"Of course" He thought!

How foolish of him! He had been living in the Ashram for 6 months and knew every course that went on around.
People wearing the Blue and the Orange badges were a part of the advance course and were supposed to be in silence for a period of 4 days to 1 month- depending on what level of advance course one has reached.

"Is this the the first time you are doing the advance course?" He asked.

She nodded.

"Is this your first time in Ashram?"

She moved her head to indicate a "No". And she showed 2 of her fingers.

"Oh! It's your 2nd time!"

She disagreed again and after a while took out a pen and a notepad and scribbled- "It's been 2 months since I'm here!"

"2 Months? Wow! That's strange because I've been around here 6 months but  never saw you."

She scribbled- " I was taking some ayurvedic treatments and was advised to take rest most of the times."

That's a bit strange , he thought. He was so sure he knew all the 500 or so Ashramites. He had seen them walking on some or the other road, or during Satsang's or in a Ashram office or at least meditating under a tree!
Anyway, people have their own agendas when they come to an Ashram!

She moved her hands and signaled to him that she has to go. He nodded and she left.

It was the 2nd day of her advance course of 4 days and this was the 2nd time he had seen her around the lake.
Mostly nobody came around here. The lake wasn't exactly beautiful as such. People preferred more beautiful locations like the Ashram's various themed gardens. The Japanese garden was everyone's favorite for its rock formations, small water ponds and bridges.
Lake, on the other hand was an open area, there weren't any trees around and it was full of crocks. At the most, people came here in the afternoon's to watch the crocks sunbathing, but no-one turned around this side in the evenings. The lake was at the southern tip of the Ashram , it marked the southern border of the Ashram.

Neil had been visiting the lake every day for the past 6 months. He loved water, after all he came from a coastal area. Seeing water body made him calm. Of course a lake is nothing in comparison to a sea...there are no waves, no sound of waves, no sand and no star fishes on the banks of a lake......but the lake had it's own  activity. It had crabs and the crocks, the birds that came to  drink water or take a bath and occasional new visitors such as a mongoose , a snake, or a chameleon. All these months he sat around the lake till it got dark. .He sat alone. But since yesterday, he had company. And now that she had left, he found no reason to sit around the lake,he suddenly started feeling lonely. He picked up his jhola and headed for his room.

Day 3

Neil waited for her to arrive. It was past  her usual time of visiting the lake. He wondered whether he should go at the venue of the Advance course and look out for her. But that would look too desperate! Besides, there were around 4 batches of Advance courses happening in 4 different locations at 4 corners of the Ashram...he would be lost looking out for her. So he decided to bide his time.
And she came, thank god she came.

He turned and looked at her and gave a smile of relief!
She instantly must have understood why the relieved smile came her way and shook her head in disbelief!

"Yes. I've been waiting for you."
She signaled, "why?"
"Because I wanted to talk to you. Tomorrow is your last day of the course. Are you staying here longer?"
She said a "no". ( Said meaning in silence, in sign language/ through body language).

"Oh!So.... once you are asked to break your silence, we could go to the Ashram Canteen for a cup of tea and a small chat? Are you fine with it?"

She thought for a while, took out her notepad and scribbled, " What's wrong with having a tea while I'm in silence?"


" Oh you want to go now too? Sure! Pleasure is all mine!"


They both walked to the canteen which was almost 20 minutes walk from the lake. She walked in silence while he talked about his life in Kerala. How he went abroad for a higher education and realized his deep sense of connection with his roots. And after staying abroad for a couple of years, he returned to Bengaluru where he joined a MNC but did not find any satisfaction in the work or life and had finally turned to ashram life to find answers to his questions and wanderings on his destiny...


"You know what? In all these 6 months, I haven't felt so good talking to anyone else as I'm feeling talking to you. Please don't feel that I'm flattering you, I'm just being honest. There was something about just sitting in silence with you on the banks of the lake, and then we just saw each other and smiled and exchanged a few words again, and today I'm talking about my life and my innermost feelings. Though I wasn't in silence, it was almost similar to that for the past couple of months. I did not befriend anyone, nor did I find any company interesting. But I want to be your friend, but you are leaving tomorrow....that's so sad!


She smiled again.
They both drank tea at the canteen and Neil spoke continuously for almost 4 hours. They walked from the Canteen to the various gardens, to the Vedic school campus etc.


"Gosh! I'm talking so much. I'm tired! I hope you aren't feeling tired!"


She nodded and gestured that she has to take rest.


"Oh sure. But please remember we are meeting tomorrow. Should we meet at the Lake or the canteen?"


She gestured saying Lake.


"Alright. I'll be waiting here at 5 pm. And tomorrow, you'll talk...you'll tell me everything, okay?"


She smiled and headed for her room.


That night, Neil could not sleep.
Her silence was killing him. He had dated many girls, but none had eyes as expressive as hers. None smiled as sweetly as her. She wasn't beautiful as such, but she had a very good poise! Every time she did any gestures with her hand or mudras to convey any meaning, she was very apt and clear.He wondered where she must have come from, oh! He hadn't even asked her name, nor had he told her his name. She hadn't asked any questions, she gave only answers.


The next day, when Neil reached the lake at 5 pm, She was already there.
He was so glad to see her, he had got a nightmare that she wouldn't turn up.


"Hi! Finally, we are here.....I'm Neil." He extended his hand.
She smiled and shook his hand and showed her badge which had her name on it, which he hadn't noticed the last time," Ashwini".


"Nice to meet you Ashwini. But you can talk now."


She smiled and handed him a piece of paper.


" I can not talk. I'm mute. Last year I met with an accident because of which I lost my ability to speak. I'm taking treatments, it might take another 1 year to regain my voice, but it might not be the same. I'm or rather was a carnatic classical singer before the accident. I lost my livelihood to that fateful day. So I came to the Ashram because I had nowhere to go. Here, the courses and the treatments helped me improve. I'm learning bharatnatyam now from a teacher. Bharatnatyam is based on carnatic music so I understand it well. I have to go to Bengaluru since I'm joining a renowned Guru from tomorrow."


Neil looked up at her, unable to say anything. He did not know what went on in his head. He had too many expectations- he wanted to hear her voice, he wanted to hear her story, there's so much we connect to speech! So much we say..and here's a life in mute! It is better to be born deaf and dumb than lose your abilities at a later point when you've already depended so much on it!


She scribbled something else on that paper," I'm in silence...and I don't know for how long it's going to be this way!"





Photo by :

Paul Runnestø