Now for the very first time in my life I feel at peace. I used to feel this level of peace on the 5th day of vipassana meditation until the 15th day, and then my world would collapse again.
What all of that was , was an external voice telling me that I am not enough, that I need to do something in order to be worth living. Eventually that voice became my internal voice.
Even when I was far away from the influences of that voice, that voice kept speaking, it wasn't someone else anymore, it was me.
No matter where I went, who I was with, that voice kept giving me a negative vibe.
It's a horrible feeling, to live with that voice.
It's a bloody disease in the mind that affects everything- mind, body and soul.
And I know that it is in a lot of people. Especially women.
Most women live a life that makes someone else happy. They choose someone else over themselves. I think this has a lot to do with history and how for centuries women have been treated like second hand, second class citizens.
But now, finally, as I am nearing 40, I can feel that voice losing its grip on me.
One, I am tired of running around and doing things to make someone else happy. Neither the qualifications nor the money made me happy. Yes it could buy me more stuff and maybe better vacations, but again, none of that was ever denied to me in my life to chase them now, so I didn't particularly feel an affinity towards those things.
Second, disease and death near me taught me an important lesson about life.
In the end, when you are counting your breaths, nothing that the current world is doing matters. NOTHING!
When I was in Bangalore, one very ambitious young man of 30 with two children and a wife died of a stroke. When I went for the funeral at his house, I saw on his cupboard a chart with his life goals on it. He already had a home in Bangalore and another one in Chennai, and he wanted a third one in Mumbai. He wanted a home in every big city.
This boy was something I had looked up to. His death disillusioned me. I couldn't make any sense of anything.
Whoever I met at work and whoever I worked with seemed to be clueless about life- like headless chicken. Them and me, all of us, just running around chasing things not knowing what we really want, not taking any time to ask that question or stop or wonder. Just running and chasing stuff because someone else is showing it off.
As time passed, I just let go of things one by one. The comments kept mounting. I started avoiding socialising for this very reason. but now I have found a better way.
I have learnt to keep the balance between the society and my inner needs. I dress up just enough to pass their standard tests, so I can just get by without raising any eyebrows or any unnecessary conversations.
"How are you?" they ask, "Good thank you" and I move on. I don't ask them how they are , or get into any other topics for any discussions. Just float around a bit, keep a smile pasted on the face, and move move move till you reach the door and out I go.
This strategy works.
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