A Conversation with my Brain.

Sweetheart, I know you are angry with me ......I did not keep my promise...

Grrrrr.............

But Times have changed,I need new information to back my knowledge base, you know....

Look,I know I'm making you do things you don't like doing.....and I'd promised you long time back I wouldn't stress you with it......but.............Hey,are you listening?

NO!

Look, I really need you to co operate with me here, okay? This is us....together we can do anything....and you know very well that it's not the case that you don't understand what I'm trying to make you understand , right? You are just being too adamant and lazy!

REALLY? Is that it? This is MATHS , you young lady! You know very well how much I hate that subject!

No you don't hate that subject! You hated the teacher....you hated the way she made you feel!

But you know this new teacher who's teaching us is really nice...she's funny, and makes things really easy!

I don't know all that! 

I'm done with you here.....I had just said I'd try to understand,okay? Just TRY!

And now ,you and that teacher of yours wants me to be an expert at solving those complicated sums, and use those formulas and do what not.......

You have no idea how much I've to run around and ask that memory department of mine to retrieve the Maths related files that were stored and locked and never touched for 10 years now!

My Memory Department isn't co operating with me, my left side hasn't been much in use for a long time....your job so far only related to my right side......I'm scared of entering the left side and it's dark rooms now!Yikes!

What? 

Don't look at me like that.....Don't give me that stare...that attitude of yours.....I'm serious!

And what makes you think I'm kidding all this while?Huh?

Brainy, listen......and you better listen carefully this time.

I gave you 2 months to get used to what things are going to be like from now on......no more excuses.....no more complaints and no more attitude....got it?

You will do as I like...I won't do as you like.....get that straight!

I'm the boss here, not you!

Really? ( haha...laughs)

Miss....you are forgetting, I run the show here. 

When I say go...your muscles move....when I say eat....you feel hungry...when I say....

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I'm the soul, 

 I'm the core....

I'm the one who controls you!

You can't see me, doesn't mean I don't exist!

You have functions and you are defined....you have a face and a position.....

But I'm the mind....

I'm the director who pumps energy in you....

(Brainy thinks......"I thought Blood pumps energy...??!!%&$#@")

Blood?? Are you there?

Why don't you say something?

I'm not going to fight with the boss Brainy! Please don't pull me into this!

What??

See? Blood seems to have more sense than you do!

Now listen buddy, we have no time to waste, we gotta act fast.....if you don't get up and get kicking now, things are only going to get harder for you with time.......

I need you to use every damn department that exists in you, I'm letting you eat a lot already,blood is doing her job and so are the rest of the organs....Am I Correct?

EVERYBODY: YES SIR!

I want you to get over your blocks.......all that I can't do this and that and that department aint co operating, doesn't matter to me...I want results! I don't care how you motivate them....drink Glucon D, Redbull, whatever you think will take to break open those dark rooms, Do it! Just Do It! 

And stop sleeping so much all the time.

You can shut those creativity sessions and rooms for a while...we don't need them to make stories over equations and formulas and get a script together on a life of a student.....

When the time comes, we can get them started....Not now! 

Any questions??

Grrr.........

That won't do brainy......that won't do!

I've listened to you all the time....I've never pushed you to your limit.

But now is the time I'm really asking you to show your true colors.....show me what you got Brainy!   

I'm a Creative Brain for heaven's sake.......is that a crime to be?

It's not! 

But I do consider it a crime if you are not using all that you've got in there!

Open every damn door! I don't want any Dark unused rooms in there.

Everybody has some dark rooms...okay?

I don't give a shit about what everybody does.....all I care about is us..Got it?

(Under the breath) That's your problem!

What? Did I hear another complaint??

No B....Boss! No complaints anymore...Only results!

Blood chuckles..     

Good! Now that's my girl!

I know you are really smart and capable...only if you stop acting so adamant all the time...you could do more...anyway...I know you are really pushing yourself beyond your limit...and I'm sure you'll do well! After all, what am I here for? :-)

Thanks J....That really helps :-)

I'll do all I can....

Let's see what happens!

Karm kare jao Bachha, fal ki chinta mat kar!  

And this is the end of our creative room for a while...we can lock it till the end of this year.....

I've tried....but sometimes the creative juices flow out, then we have to open it and utilize it.

That's alright once in a while...

Okay then,

Time to get back to work!

Until next time dear Brainy...

Muuaaah! ;-) 

Nightmare

Innocent as a child,
So Sweet like a sweet,
Soft steps leading me,To the night so deep!

Trust in my heart,
Faith in my soul,
I walk step in step,
To the dungeons unknown.

Dreams so high,
Wishes so many,
Hopes of all shapes,
And the company of a Canny.....


Caution from a friend,
Worried look of the sister,
But that's not enough to save me,
From the forthcoming sinister.


Dark and cold,
Like the depth of the sea,
No light for what seems like centuries.

Cuts and bruises on my body,
Trembling in the cold, I'm lonely...
Distant voices scare me,
Unfriendly whispers surround me.

I hold myself so tight for a moment, I hear my heavy breathing,
I'm alive,and that's all that matters,
I'll find my way out,
Sometime ....
Maybe Now or a bit later.

I hit against a door,
And cry and shout for help.
I fall a few steps down below,
In another laid trap!

When will this end?
Will it end at all?
Or am I going to die in here?
Not knowing where I was after all?

The Nightmare is long, its cruel, it hurts.
It breaks my shell, it covers me in dirt.
It scrapes off my skin,and as I bleed in pain,
The soft new skin shows its brilliance in the dark rain,
And I breathe heavy ....one last time,
And open my eyes to see,
A whole new me and a day shining brightly!

About gossip and other aimless chatter!

I agree that everybody gossips....some gossip more, some less...but everybody does talk about others at some point of time, because we are all connected!
But how much of gossip should be practiced? How much of it should be encouraged and tolerated?
Do we gossip because we have nothing better to talk?
Or we gossip because we don't want to touch on the more important issues?
I think it's the later! We gossip because we want to keep people's attention away from our own issues and troubles. It's a defensive technique wherein we distract people by talking about someone else.

The troubling time is when people can not have a normal conversation without any form of gossip in it.
"Hey how are you? Long time...Do you know so and so?"
"Who? Why?"
"Just like that. Heard he got fired from work because of some money racket!!"

And so it goes on.
I agree we do need to know certain things that are happening around us.
But I totally disagree with the way it is morally and ethically accepted as a part of our survival and passed on from generation to generation as a value, forming a part of our culture.

Priceless!! ---Diwali Special Post---

Planning for this Diwali: 2 days
Diwali shopping : Rs. 1000/-
Preparing Diwali special Goan food for the first time: 3 hours!

Hearing My mom's proud voice over the phone when I told her I managed the cuisine single handed??   PRICELESS!
Getting complimented for the good food ??  PRICELESS!


Cooking has never been my forte'!( And that's a big flaw for a girl to have....in Indian society. It's okay if you are not educated but you don't know to cook??? Shame Shame!!)
In fact I would prefer serving 100 hours as a punishment than get into the kitchen and cook food............but this was yesterday!
This Diwali ,that Janaki who had a mind block over cooking, is gone!

This Diwali I made 4 Goan Dishes,all by myself, just by taking a few notes from my mom over a telephonic conversation!
Either my mum gives really good instructions or that I'm a real quick learner........I think it's both! :-)

Today's achievement taught me a lot!
A. We are not born with all skills, but given a sincere try, nothing is impossible!
B. Completing a task, meeting small challenges, gives so much joy and is a real assuarance about self!
C. There is nothing called a Mind block...it doesn't exist in real! It's fictitious....a game our mind plays on us to cage us.....Challenge it!
D. Give yourself the time, don't be pushed towards any activity just because someone expects you to do it! When you do something because you want to do it, the satisfaction you get out of it, is Priceless!

This Diwali was the best I've ever had till date......And I thank god, my friends and every single person who made this day special for me!
What's more....I did not light any firecrackers!!So it was totally a safe,natural,environment friendly Diwali Celebration!
Though it was fun to watch people having a good time lighting the crackers...there was so much excitement in the atmosphere!At a point of time I really wondered,what are they so happy about? Why are they lighting so many crackers? Why so much noise?? But then,I have to confess, Diwali would be boring without the lights and the noise! Somehow noise is an indication of happiness.....people speak loudly when they are happy and excited......that shows there is a connection between happiness and noise levels!

It was nice taking a walk around BTM today evening!
It was nice getting Mehendi done on my hand!
It was kind of funny to see how stupidly people light crackers......sometimes the fireworks back fire...and everybody runs everywhere!
It was wonderful to look around 360 degrees from my terrace and see the night sky bursting with colours for 3 hours and more..........and wonder ......."What the Phog* man!!!" 
(*Courtesy: Shashank Govekar. The phrase 'What the Phog' is specially coined by him for this Diwali. Phog in Konkani means Fireworks......)

Well! To everyone....Wish you all a very Happy Diwali and a wonderful year ahead!

And yes......this is what I cooked.

From the left: Batat fov,Chanyachi usal,Rosatle fov ani doodhatle fov!

Fov means Rice flakes.

so once again, here we go in English:
From the left: Potato in Rice Flakes,Green Peas cooked in grated coconut,Rice flakes cooked in coconut milk, Rice flakes cooked in milk!

A Random Letter to someone!

My Dearest Someone,

Well! A lot of things are happening around, as usual. Just that I don't write about it because I purposely don't log in, or I end up wasting a lot of time, doing some totally useless (sometimes useful) research on wiki and google.If there was some more time I could have come up with so many wonderful characters and stories.....I will do that...but later! Sometime in the new year...Jan 2011.

Hey, Do you know that I'm studying a lot now a days? I'm 25 and I'm surprised with myself that I still enjoy studying. When I was in 10th std I'd once decided ''Graduation''...that's it! No more!
But look at me here....I want to go on...study new subjects...take up a challenge, find a teacher, take her scolding, feel useless, score really low marks maybe and wonder what's wrong with my brain and its capacity... ..but I want to be a student...not just till I complete this course...but throughout my life!
I am a student at heart...I love to learn, anything, everything......

Hey,about something that happened with me : The other day, there was this man on a scooter who followed me while I was walking to my class and grabbed at my jacket. I really don't know what he was upto. He then went ahead ,stopped his bike and kept looking at me. He was wearing a helmet, so I did not see his face. It took me 15 seconds to get myself out of the ''Freeze'' stage! Yeah! That's what happens to me when I feel threatened......earlier, when I was younger, this Freeze stage would take forever...I could do nothing about it...but with time, and bitter experiences, I learnt...and I pulled myself out of it. I quickly made a call to a friend and held it to my ear and took out the pepper spray that was in my bag. The man watched me for around a minute and then left. I walked as fast as I could to my class...and when I reached there....I started trembling! Because I was aware the whole time that my pepper spray could do no harm to that man with the helmet on...and I was aware of my weaknesses and I thought about situations that could happen, that have happened with other girls and women....what if it was a van which had stopped by? Am I strong enough to fight 2 to 3 men?


There are these times when I feel so threatened from the world...I feel attacked. And I've had more than a few experiences, wherein either nobody was around to help me, or that even when I raised an alarm, nobody came for help!It has happened so many times with me in Goan buses. Goan buses are the worst transport services I've ever experienced so far.They pack in people like we are some goods to be transported. There are no separate compartments for men and women. I wonder what the government has been doing about this all these years...useless people all of them!

In these buses, its an everyday event to have your butt pinched or ass slapped or be touched at some other place and not even know who did it! One such time I raised an alarm and shouted at a man, the man shouted back at me, backed by the conductor who asked me to Behave myself! Their argument was, if I can not handle a crowd, then why am I travelling by a public transport..? Girls like me should always travel by private vehicle!

Now I've accepted this reality as a part of life. It's not just these men who misbehave with women, mind you. But also those who consider women as 2nd class citizens. Who despite of an education and a degree, do not know how to treat a woman.

At times I see my soul separate itself from my body. These real sick men can only try to mess with my body and my emotions but they can never touch, never reach,never hurt my soul! And then I realised, that even if I was really hurt badly by one of these sick men, in some bad way....maybe physically,emotionally,sexually........I would still survive, because my soul is too strong, too adamant to let go of life!


Oh Well! Those were some really serious paragraphs, weren't they?
It's just that this thing happened recently so it's still fresh in my mind, and it brought the memory of all the old times.
What really helped when I got back home was a reassuring hug from a close friend....
sometimes a jaduki jhappi is all you need when words can't help!
Oh what would I do without friends?
Nothing!

Hmm......What else?It's getting late and tomorrow night is Diwali! I am going to make some Goan dishes for my friends.....I've never cooked those before....but I'm sure my friends will understand and accept and finish the food! :-)

That's it for now,
will get back with more news as and when time permits,
Take care,
And hey...in spite of all that I said....I still love life!
So don't worry about me, I'm fine and Rocking!

Love
JSincro

( Please Note: 
To the Reader of this letter, 
You can be that someone and write to me. One sentence or a real long mail.........anything you would like to say,share,express....just like you would ,to a pen friend maybe?
I really love to read letters. 
So Your responses are most welcome and awaited!)

For the woman in me!

I wish at times that I wasn't so interested in various things of life...that all I wanted to do was what others did,
I wished I did not think so much,
I wished I wasn't stressing myself out and expecting too much out of myself!
I wished I wasn't as inquisitive,

I wished I wasn't as daring to take on a challenge,

I wished there was only 1 thing I wanted to do, and 1 thing that I would excel in,
I wished I wasn't logical, so that I wouldn't question every tradition!
I wished I wasn't radical, so I wouldn't hurt everyone!
I wished I could love without expecting anything at all in return,
I wished I could be the woman with all of goodness,who bears all pain but never complaints!
-
-
-

If I was all I wished I wasn't, I wouldn't be me!

If I was interested in pleasing people, I would rather choose death to a life of slavery!

If doing as much as the ability and capacity as god has bestowed me with, means 'breaking tradition'....than be it!


I will question!
I will argue!

I will hit back if someone hurts me,
I will fight every obstacle standing before me,

The first few are empty words, I never would wish I was!
The truth is....
It's the biggest curse to be not interested in the various things life offers!
It's a shame, if I don't think and don't question!
I would consider myself a coward, if I wasn't daring!
If there was only 1 thing I was good at, I would be boring!
If I wasn't logical, that would mean I'm foolish!
If I would love without expecting anything , that would mean I've very low expectations out of myself!
And finally, I would never ever wish to be a woman with all the "Goodness"....
The so called "Goodness" only to serve others, and not one's self-interests,
The so called "Goodness" which makes me feeble and weak,

The so called "Goodness" that causes me pain and suffering!

To hell with the worldly notion of Goodness!

I will make my own rules!
And I will break them if they are of no use.
-
-
-

This post goes out to all the lovely women in my life, and to myself!
It isn't a cake walk to grow up to be a woman!
The society watches every step and attacks at our slightest mistake!
People comment on our body and laugh at our sizes,
People have notions about our beauty and anything that doesn't fit their definitions is tagged as ugly!
People make a whole lot of bullshit rules for us to follow,
People want to own us, want to tame us!
Because when a woman is free spirited, she has the greatest strength in the world,
And she can achieve anything!

The Day My God Died...

 "Who do you want to be when you grow up?"

Asked my teacher, Miss Anita in the class that day.
Everybody raised their hands.

Deepika said she wants to be a teacher.
Roshni wants to be a tailor.
Josna wants to be a housewife like her mother.

And then it was my turn.
" I want to fly a plane!"
Anita teacher looked at me for a long time.
"Who told you you can fly a plane?"

I did not know someone had to tell me who I should be...so I looked at the other girls starring at me now and some of them were giggling under their breaths.

"I see a plane flying every day. Mum tells me someone makes it fly and they are sitting in there.....I want to fly it some day!"

Anita teacher now smiled. " You will.....but you have to work very hard for it...study a lot........only then you can fly it!"

I nodded in excitement! All I heard her say was..." You will!"

I dreamt about it the whole time in school and I was still dreaming when I was on that bus to take me home. There was a landslide and the road was blocked. Our bus was stranded. Since the entire area is hilly, these things are quite common. I was very thirsty then and saw two ladies with a bottle of water. They saw me looking at them and offered me the water.

I drank it.
..............
..............
..............


Dreams.......they are made up of so much  unreality, made up of so many lies....
Dreams they say do come true if you really try hard.....
Dreams....I was riding on...
The highest dreams I had amongst them all.....
Then why.....??
Why me lord??
...............
...............
...............


I woke up in a dark room that had one window, but that too was closed.
The room was dirty and unkept and gave a foul smell.
For a while I felt disoriented...I could not distinguish between my reality or whether I was still dreaming.....Is it this dark inside the plane? I wondered!

I crawled to the door and knocked on it.
After 5 minutes a dark woman opened the door. I had never seen her before.
She helped me stand, and she inspected me.

"How old are you?"
"10"
"Okay."

She held my hand and brought me outside the room. It was almost a drag. But I was confused, why was this woman being so harsh on me?

She opened another door. There was a bed in that room.
"Are you hungry?" She asked.
"Yes."
"Then do what he asks you to do. Only then you will get food. Understand?"

......................
......................
......................

That was just the first amongst many of the warnings I got  there......and within a day the warnings were followed by beatings and kicking, and if that was not enough burning cigarettes were put on my skin to burn me slowly!


I wouldn't do what the uncle's asked me to do....
I wouldn't do what the old aunties asked me to do...
I wouldn't budge.....
I did not know what part of the world I was in,
I did not understand the language they spoke in.

My "No" had no meaning to them,
My "Dreams" were starting to lose their meaning to me,
The stripping, the rapes, My screams, My pain,
All lost its meaning day by day,

If there is god, as my mum said, I want to ask him," What was my fault?"
If there is god, I want to know, why he can't hear my prayers and my calls?
I want to know why my feathers were chopped off so harshly even before I could fly?
I want to know why should I only have to cry?

*************************************************************************

"The Day My God Died!" is a documentary I found on youtube while reading about girl trafficking. The stories of the young girls, in this case Nepalese girls trafficked to Mumbai are horrifying , terrifying!

I know that most of us watch or read about such stories by completely disconnecting "Our" lives from "theirs"!

Because we've had secure childhood,
Because we have our parents always protecting us,
Because we have the money and the education,
Because we belong to a particular family,caste .......

We think we are superior, untouched by the filth that surrounds us.

"Oh those Prostitutes.....they are the black sheep of the female species!",
" Those women are so cheap!"....

Most of us have seen at least 1 standing at a road side, or walking on a road at midnight in some part of the city,sometime.

"They do it because they enjoy it!" .....

Is it really?

Please watch the video and decide for yourself where our human civilization is heading and what are we doing about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV5W6F4L5i8&feature=relatedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV5W6F4L5i8&feature=related

50 Questions that will free your mind!

A good mail from a friend, worth sharing with everyone.

Please take your time on every question and do share your opinions on any or every questions, if you feel so!
 

These questions have no right or wrong answers.......

Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer..........

1.     How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

2.     Which is worse, failing or never trying?

3.     If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

4.     When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

5.     What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

6.     If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

7.     Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

8.     If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

9.     To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

22. Why are you, you?

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

25. What are you most grateful for?

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

32. If not now, then when?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Hush Hush Darling!

They  sat outside the ICU the whole evening, there was nothing else to do but wait!

Shreya cried continuously, " I just don't understand what gets into her? Did we do something wrong while bringing her up?"

He had no answers to her questions or to the questions of his own mind...... " You know what is happening , don't you? Don't pretend! The more you pretend, the more they will suffer!"

He pushed aside his thoughts and tried to think straight, but he couldn't......his mind was continuously forcing him to go back in time and remember.....continuously forcing him to dig into his memories and answer.

" Darling, you love me don't you?"

He heard a whisper in his ears and he shuddered, he looked around and brushed his right shoulder as if someone had touched him ...Shreya watched Sandeep suddenly looking around " What happened?"

"Nothing!"

" Then why are you looking around?"

" It's nothing......"

........

.......

.......

Engineering College - Year 1978

Rohit, munching on a Samosa, " Did you check out that new girl in Electronics? Hot Property Boss!"

Sandeep took a puff from his cigarette and watched her walk by.

Suresh smiled looking at Sandeep, " So are you going to do something about her or not?"

Sandeep watched for a long time without saying a word. When he had finished his cigarette and his thinking he got up and went after the girl.

The other two laughed!

......

......

......

Shreya watched Niki with tearful eyes as she lay lifeless in her hospital bed. Niki had been such a bubbly and an enthusiastic girl, always topping her class, intelligent and frank. They always shared a beautiful mother daughter relationship until a few years back. Suddenly her personality had started changing. Her beautiful baby doll had turned into a sick old tired angry desperate girl! Shreya blamed herself for Niki's condition...."How didn't I see she needed me? Where was I ? How did she slip out of my hands, so fast, so suddenly that I could not even catch her till she was completely lost?"

.........

........

........

Kavita was not exactly a girl you would call sober! She was a complete Maverick. She smoked, she abused and she did drugs! But she was also the topper in her class, did her engineering and helped her dad in his Real estate business...she knew more about cars and buildings than the Mechanical and Civil engineering students  and she knew more about Indian Culture , philosophy and spirituality than anybody else on the campus. In short, she was a genius! A kind never seen in this college and in this society before! But with great brains came great Ego, the kind  no man could tolerate. And so every boy and every man on the campus spoke of her to be a "Bitch" and a "Slut" , and women on the campus, out of sheer wonder for this woman but having no guts to speak for her ,followed suit with the man and labeled her as The bad girl of the Engineering College!

.............

...........

...........

It was Niki's 20th Birthday. Her family and close friends were all gathered around the table. She cut the cake and took out a slice and fed it to her papa and the little cream that was left on his lips, she licked it, " You like that don't you darling?"

Shreya and the rest of the family and friends watched in shock!

Sandeep looked into those eyes, full of passion, full of longing.....he pushed her away immediately, " This can't be my daughter! She can't!"

 One moment after that, Niki collapsed.

..........

...........

..........

Sandeep had many girl friends but he had never been in love.

Kavita was like a breath of fresh air. She was smart, intelligent and a whole person.

Sandeep had known Kavita for over 8 months now. And contrary to many people's opinion, Sandeep knew that Kavita was not the whore the whole world thought she was. In fact Kavita had a pure soul , she was much better than the other girls who showed themselves to be very chaste and simple and pure.

" You don't fit in this society Kavita. You have no idea what they think about you and talk of you.... they won't let you live here."

" I've survived so far, haven't I?"

" that's because you are still in college. as you grow older things are going to get tougher for you.........this attitude is not acceptable by them.... they...."

" Hush Sandeep...Shoooo"... She lifted him palm and kissed him..." I'll be fine!"

" I don't trust them with you Kavita......I want to be there for you forever. Promise me you will never leave me Kavita. I will protect you, I will guard you...When I am around they will never be able to do anything to you...."

Kavita's eyes filled with tears , " Sandeep...nobody has ever said anything that beautiful to me so far."

He held her close and kissed her on her forehead.

Only they both knew what they felt for each other.

For the rest of the wold, it was a dirty joke.

.........

.........

........

The doctor came out after the examination.

" I need to speak to both of you about Niki and something about her behavior. The way she has attacked herself in a very cold and ruthless manner goes to show that she was mentally disturbed! The wounds are deep. How has she been in the past couple of years? did you see some signs, some changes? Anything at all? anything other than her birthday incident?"

" Yes....for the past couple of months she has been getting a bit...what to say....bold in her ways with Sandeep...., isn't it Sandeep? I think she is behaving weird around men, not just Sandeep as such..."

Doctor cut her short, " What do you mean by bold with Sandeep?"

" Do you remember what she did on the dining table that day Sandeep? We were having dinner together as always and I was asking her something....I don't remember what now, and Niki was constantly looking at Sandeep, in a weird way, very bold, seductive like, you know?"

" Hmm... I see.....so didn't you talk to her about it?"

" Doctor, we thought this is all a part of growing up....I thought she's growing up a bit too soon into a woman! And you know with the kind of exposure you see on Television, youngsters are getting disoriented with their sexuality! I really lost my mind that day.... I slapped her......I did not know what else to do with her!"

" You slapped her?"

..............

..............

.................

They were running through the hospital corridor. Kavita lay on the stretcher, her neck bleeding, clothes tattered........Sandeep held her hand. 

His worst fears had come true!

Kavita had been victimised by this society.

She was raped by  6 boys for 2 days. Her throat was slit and her body thrown on a distant hill. A group of trekkers had discovered her body a few hours after she was thrown there. 

Surprisingly, she was breathing and conscious.

Now lying in that stretcher, she looked constantly at Sandeep.......and he felt defeated, he felt helpless, he had failed...he had not been able to protect her.....he was responsible for her condition!

Just when they reached the operation theater, Kavita breathed her last.......She died looking at him, she died in his hands!

................

...............

...............

" I feel so guilty for slapping her!" 

" Sandeep, I need to ask you , any other incidents you can think of which Shreya might have not noticed?"

Sandeep was lost in his reverie.

" Mr Sandeep...... are you listening?"

...........

.............

.............

The doctor approached Shreya.

" Shreya, I think we need to talk."

They were both seated in his consulting.

The doctor was taking more than necessary efforts to make Shreya comfortable. He asked her if she wanted water, if the A/C temperature had to be adjusted. She knew what she was about to hear was not pleasant. She stopped him,

" Doctor, please tell me what it is......and please tell me directly! Don't beat around the bush."

He sighed.

" Yes! I've to tell you clearly, that is the only way........... you do know that this is not just about Niki."

Shreya was a bit confused.

"What do you mean?"

" Shreya........Sandeep is mentally ill....he is delusional!"

Shreya felt a sudden jolt.

"Your husband is the reason your daughter has Dissociative Identity Disorder or in other words Split personality.

Niki has been continuously abused by Sandeep from her childhood, that is the reason she took  a new identity, that of a woman. Bold, Seductive and Confidant!

Now you can not say that Sandeep wanted to hurt her intentionally, in fact he loves her a lot. But in her he sees his past girl friend "Kavita". So to him, he's only loving Kavita.

And Niki plays Kavita, or whatever that she thinks Kavita is , from his abstract descriptions of her!

Sandeep has never been able to get over Kavita's death.You know she was raped and murdered.......You do know about Kavita right?"

Shreya was numb.

" Shreya, you need to talk about this......for better understanding."

" I don't understand Doctor."

" What?"

" I was Sandeep's girlfriend from engineering days, I have been his first girl friend. Kavita was my name before marriage. But he hated it so I changed it to Shreya .......... I remember There was an incident of a rape and murder in our college days that had become a big scandal ........"

"Did Sandeep know the girl?"

" No. I don't think so. Sandeep has always been a very shy guy. He doesn't talk much, as you must have noticed. He never spoke to any other girl besides me......."

" I see....do you know anything else about that incident?"

" Nothing much....except the girl's name .............. Nikita!"

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