The Silence is killing us- Religion, Caste, Gender and India today

 I am currently attending a workshop by Adv.Norma Alvares and Adv. Claude Alvares on Public Interest Litigation. It started in April, 16 lectures on 16 topics of public interest.

These discussions only made it absolutely clear what state we are in as a democracy! How the environment is under a full blown attack and nobody cares about it. 

The widespread corruption! Not that it was ever any less! It has always been the case in India that the rich and the powerful get away with anything. 

(Watched Trial by Fire on Netflix. It's a true story. in 1997 A cinema hall in Delhi called Uphaar burnt down due to management negligence. 59 people died. And the owners- Ansals got away with just 6 months  imprisonment ,that too after 25 years of litigation that went upto Supreme Court. There is also a book by the same name written by Krishnamoorthy's. These parents lost both their children in that fire. They found out that The film hall was locked from outside. When the transformer in the basement caught fire, people in the hall started suffocating due to smoke. But they couldn't get out. The management, The Ansals, had strictly told the Manager to lock the hall so that not a single person enters without a ticket! This story is about their struggle to get justice. A struggle that never saw justice take place. We often want happy endings. And we find it very stressful to watch such 'negative' endings. But reality and the truth can be harsh. We must grow up and build the courage to face it.)

While this is happening in the background: most people are enjoying their free ride!  The activists are burning their ass off to stop illegal activities happening throughout the State. But the activists are a few. The powerful are too powerful. The ignorance and lack of care by the rest of people will finally take down all of us! 

( One film which is on spot on this issue is "Don't Look Up" - On Netflix. I thought everyone would understand what this film is trying to say. It's not about a meteorite hitting planet Earth. It is about the state of affairs we are in! How stupid our democratically elected representatives are, how the media is manipulating us and how the social media has trapped us. The film got released, I was like- Oh Thank god! At least now , some people will wake up from their slumber! But no. I over-estimated the stupidity which is rampant in our society. I found myself hyperventilating like Jennifer Lawrence for a while, and then accepted the situation that we are all doomed! ) 

Citizens in general don't care about the environment, the pollution, state of our water bodies. Their focus is on the rat race.  Their limited intellect isn't helping them connect the dots to see that their children are going to be the ones to suffer the most!

So what do we do from here? What are you expecting the world to do? Stop? Like it happened during Covid?

Yes!

Maybe Covid happened so we could stop and look at what is happening for once. 

But again, I realised I had under estimated the stupidity. 

Soon, everything went on as usual.

Nothing changed!

Not a rule changed!

I read somewhere that the biggest enemy is not evil.

The biggest enemy is stupidity.

The Evil will use the stupid to do evil. and the stupid will do it because he is stupid.

So what we should all sit and talk about serious stuff and get stressed and die?

No.

At the least, be a part of the solution. 

open your tiny brains to understand what sustainability is, what climate change is. 

At least don't be stupid damn it!

Don't fight amongst yourselves over religions! That's like the mega dumbest thing to do on this planet right now. This is like - baba, what danger are we really facing as a planet and what are you fighting against?

The second dumbest thing is this social race - keeping up with the Jonases! Everyone is thinking - My car, my house, my family, my child, my wife, my this, my that!

Their world doesn't extend beyond that. 

this is it!

This is the start and the finish to their life's story.

My dreams, my desires, my body, my hair, my skin, my jewels, my ...my ..my! 

🙄

For once, step outside this I ,me, myself and look around you.

For once, think- I've got everything I need. What can I do today for someone else? 

For once- spare a thought at least for someone else- a prayer maybe, a good intention, a blessing- anything will do. You don't need to be a crorepati to do something.

We often complain about the rich hoarding money. But how are we any different? They have crores and give away only a few lakhs. We have Lakhs, do we give away a few thousands maybe to save someone else's life? There too we will keep an account. 

And when it comes to helping, if you must help. Please help someone who can not do anything for you.

don't trade in this. 

But minorities are really suffering right now!

Can you not understand that we need to stop talking this nonsense about minorities and majorities? About upper castes and lower castes? 

Can you not see we are being divided on flimsy issues in order to cover up the main issues?

Can you please stop fighting over the candy because you won't have air to breathe tomorrow, damn it!

I am saying this here- Both- Both of you are equally responsible for this shit!

The minorities want stuff for themselves. They want 'special' treatment.

So why shouldn't the majorities not want stuff for themselves too?

What have you done special to deserve the special treatment?

The lower castes want reservation, then why shouldn't the upper castes play games with you?

How long will you take to keep the past in it's place and live in the present?

Is it necessary to walk around with the shit someone threw in your face a 1000 years ago?

Or 100 years ago?

Or 10 years ago?

Or 1 year ago?

How much time do you need to grow out of this stupidity?

Can you start talking as human beings? Rather than talking on your caste, religion, gender lines ? 

This is disgusting!

Both these groups disgust me! Their hypocracy , their limited mindsets, their stupidity, their inability to look beyond themselves disgusts me! 

They are so attached to one class of people that they don't see the pain the other side feels!

That is how insensitive they have become.

So only minorities are suffering. If someone from majority side is killed, raped, burnt alive- do anything with them, but this class of people won't speak up. 

Why?

They are not humans?

Human Rights dont apply to them?

If you care so much about human rights, shouldn't you feel it for all?

So, yes

Something has gone terribly wrong on systemic level. Our systems are stupid. They are making us stupid. Our education system has made us numb dumbasses! 

We need to work together for our growth. We don't need to work our ass off for a job to make a living.

Even animals make a living without an education, don't they?

Why is it that some of us have so much and why is it that we don't care a damn about those who don't have much.

Why is it that our farmers are poor? and our CEO's are so god damned rich? How can it be that the person who grows our food and takes care of our soil is at the bottom of our hierarchy?

Have you ever thought about it?

Don't you see the system is upside down?

How can you be okay with this injustice?

Why are we not protecting our farmers? Aren't they the ones to put food on our tables?

Are we going to eat computers and mobile towers tomorrow?

When is this stupidity going to stop?

Is it ever going to stop?

Is it too much to ask these questions? Or you want me to sugar coat them so you don't feel too bad about being stupid? 

Yes, let's talk about this, okay? You say whatever you have on your mind about me- selfish bitch what the hell are you doing to change the situation? who the hell do you think you are to point fingers at us? righteous bitch as if you are any different from us!

yes , let it all come out.

say it.

But let's talk about the issues that matter the most to us, okay?

let's fight over having a better environment, having more time for all of us, having no stress, 

let's fight for a better future for all of our children! 

but let's not keep silent anymore, alright?

The silence is killing us!

Edit #1 : I am aware of religious , caste, gender persecution issues. I am not saying it doesn't matter at all. It is unfair to persecute someone because someone is a woman, or because she is a muslim or rape her because she is a hindu. That is wrong. 

What I want to put focus on is the silence we keep when something is wrong. When someone from my family does something wrong which hurts someone else from another family, I choose to keep quiet because this is family! - This mentality is the problem. 

Those who can see something is wrong - choose to not speak up. So the wrong keeps perpetuating.

 

Sadhanapada : Post 2 : Preparation, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster!

 I had used Buddha's "Equanimity" technique to deal with those 25 days of applying and waiting for the answer.

So I was in that in between stage: It may happen or it may not happen. Be okay with any result.

I was practicing Shambhavi, bhuta shuddhi, fasting and I was also fully involved in my life in Goa. My cats, home, husband, parents, friends, sister- the usual rackets were on!

But after the approval, things changed. I wasn't equanimous anymore. I was going away for 7+ months, my life in Goa came to a full stop. 

It was almost like I was told I am dying in June 2023 so do whatever you need to do here in Goa before that.

Suddenly there was this deep urge to go camping, to stay up all night, to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, to meet people I didnt care about meeting because I had all the time in the world, now there were just 4 months! I panicked! 

I was also worried. I was deeply worried about my people back home, yes the same people I usually complain about. 

How will they live their lives without me? What if something goes wrong? I won't be able to come back in these 7 months. I started thinking of the worst case scenarios and preparing for those. What followed was high levels of anxiety. Shambhavi mahamudra was arresting it till some extent, but then my schedule went completely out of hand till a point that I just couldn't get out of my bed on some days. All I wanted to do was to sleep and troubleshoot in my brain.

Some funny things also started happening. As if life started playing on fast forward mode. I had stopped talking with a few friends, I got back in touch with them. Some of them wanted closure , I think I said the right things so they could have the closure they needed. (Or did I make a small opening for a new life inquiry in the name of closure? )

My mind was racing, it was super duper scared! An Ashram isn't a good place for the mind and the ego. They both take severe beating in that place. It's Tihar Jail for the mind! It's the hardest thing one could endure if mind and ego is centre stage.

My mind and ego are centre stage. I know it because I can see how I get angry and upset.  I struggle to accept things. I worry about life being unfair, unjust, cruel, a bad place. I have a 1000 worries in my mind right now. Duniya ka bojh mere kandhe pe hai!

What worried me most was how to pack for 7 months? IYC (Isha Yoga Centre) said get 7 sets of casual/work clothes, 2 pairs of track pants and t-shirt, 1 pair of white top and bottom, and 1 formal wear. One of my biggest attachments is clothes.I love to wear freshly washed garment every day. I don't like to repeat clothes often. I will wear one pair this week and repeat it maybe in 2 weeks or so. 

My second biggest attachment is Books! I read digital as well as physical copies. "Akka, can we get books?" 

" You can get but I doubt you will get the time to read." - IYC.

So what followed was this panicky state in which I started consuming books. I wanted to read everything! I started reading 10 books at the same time! Even during practicing mahamudra I was thinking which book, what page, what concept, what to note down...

Third attachment is intellectual conversations , which are rare anyway. But I still 'look out' for them. IYC has said Sadhanapada is not the time for networking, making friends , debating. It is the time for inner growth. It's not meant for socialising. 

I hunted down people with whom I could engage in an intellectual romance! After one such full day of hyper-intellectual talk, in which I spoke continuously, without food for over 6 hours, I came home and collapsed! I had to be taken to the hospital to check my vital signs. Heat was also on the rise, summer is more hot than it ever was , thanks to Climate change! So the heat, my mind on full blast, no food, a big mugfull  coffee and one big cup of tea = me collapsing!

Thankfully everything was normal- pressure, sugar. Doctor asked to take rest and not think too much. Relax!

I did not know how to relax!

At that point I had even forgotten to deep breathe. I was aware of my breath. I was aware of everything. But as I said earlier, awareness is not enough, I need something more.

That something more is 'actually doing it'.

Over the last decade I have become more of an academician. I study, I theorise but I have very little practical experience. I have tested a few things, but those were like lab tests within a small range. What I lack is large scale, wild, real- life testing. Not a simulation! 

And because I have less practical experience, I have more doubt.

I doubt everything. 

The good part about doubt is that you take nothing for granted. But the bad part of doubt is that it wastes a lot of time in installation mode. To operate life, you must assume a few things that you know. They have worked in the past and they will work now. Yesterday I was able to run 10 kms, so today I should be able to do it. Yes, all days won't be the same. Some day you'll do it easy, some days you struggle to cover the same distance. But that is no reason to doubt it's efficacy. If the basics are taken care of, you are good to go. You can't live life on exceptions and on the odd case/worst case scenario. 

At my age, most people are super sure about at least a few things. Some of them are sure of their marriage, some are sure of their careers, some are sure of their talents and passions.

I am not sure about anything!

From what I have experienced in my life so far- "anything can happen anytime " is the only statement I am sure of. 

So this stage lasted from around March till Mid May. 

Finally in May I am exhausted ! 

I have eaten everything I want to eat. Stressed and panicked as much as I would like. Packed, over packed and then emptied the bag and finally put in exactly what they asked me to get. No more. No less. I have run every scenario in my head- I may leave and come back within a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or actually complete the whole program and do the sadhana to my heart's desire! 

Whatever it is, I am finally ready to face it. I felt like Arjuna facing the great battle and his dilemma, why am I doing this? 

Regardless of what the consequences will be- I will do this program. I will give my 100% to it. Each day. 

This is it. 

Sadhanapada 2023: 1st post

 8 days to go till I reach Isha Yoga centre , Coimbatore for Sadhanapada 2023.

I did the Inner Engineering course in December 2018 in Margao, Goa. I practiced shambhavi for up to 6 months and then as always, something else came up. I forgot the IE rules, all I remembered were the steps, which I practiced once in a while, mechanically. 

I have learnt several meditation techniques so far. Vipassana is one I practiced for the longest time. In our world today, it is getting increasingly difficult to go deeper, unless you disconnect from everything. And although they tell us not to expect anything, and to just believe in the process. yet, At some point, we all know, we do want to see some results. 

There have been results.  I am aware when I am angry. I am aware when I am sad. I am aware , I am watching myself doing everything I do. The Observer in me is activated and alive.

The problem right now is to be able to go beyond awareness. I am not interested in sitting mute and letting someone come and slap me or spit on me and be okay with it. I want to be aware enough to slap him before he slaps me and break his fucking mouth before  he even thinks of spitting!  

(Sorry, that's the MMA in me speaking. No, but I am not actually sorry, am I? No. I will bloody kill the person who attacks me. )

Anyway, 

I have a warrior in me. Bhagavad Gita makes complete sense to me. And therefore , Buddha's teaching have limited effect over me.

 Here was a man who was a King, had everything, experienced only the best life had to offer. then he left everything and experienced suffering. And after both these extremes, he came to the understanding of 'Equanimity', the middle path. 

That is his journey. 

Not mine.

My search is on.

People on this journey talk about following one guru, one teaching and not mix up things. 

This ,to me is like studying one subject from one teacher and not learn any other subjects because it would influence each other. So learn only maths, don't learn science.

I have followed many teachings, I read books from several authors and they all help me build an understanding about my life and my path. I don't like blind belief. "Guru says so be it" does not work with me. 

I will put it to test.

I need to understand. I will take my time but I will arrive when I am ready.

Anyway, after completing another big circle of trial and error , jobs, marriage, relationships and the drama they bring along; I was once more ready to take a break from this circus and go and find a Guru, some teaching, some answers. 

This, by the way happens to me every few years. My mother thinks I am abnormal. Why is it only happening to you? Are others waiting again and again? Are others taking such breaks? Why only you?

Now how do I know what is happening to others? Or what is not happening to them?

And just because it is happening to others, should I do something? 

Shouldn't I lead my life based on what is happening to me?

This has been my life long struggle with my family. They want to 'fit in' and they refuse to live a life based on what they are authentically feeling. 

And this has made me the Villain in their life!

Anyway, I have accepted my role after much struggle.

Why I struggled with the Villain role I dont understand now. I have never been the 'oh poor little woman!' or what they call in Goa as 'Babdi' (poor soul) . 

As a child, I was a fighter cock.I argued and fought and got punished for it in school.  Mamma would try to make me feel guilty in every possible way she could find to stop me from behaving the way I behaved.

She did succeed in many ways for a long time. Until one day I just gave up on this 'validation' game. No matter what I do, it just doesnt make my people happy.

So fuck it!

I am going to be the way I am.

I will change when and if I see a reason to change. Or if I see no reason also it is okay, but something should inspire me to change.

But change for the sake of fitting in and making others happy is the dumbest thing to do.

Not my game.

So,

the year was 2022 (last year)

I had tried my hand at Court practice.

It was exciting. It was good.

except that I did not want to defend assholes! 

I have a skillset, I rather use it for the right causes. Why waste time on liers and cheaters? Life is short. I dont want to waste it on such people. What's the point in protecting rich people get richer? And liers cheat more innocent souls? 

Being rich is not a crime.

But cheating others in order to be rich, is.

I just couldn't play the game on Devil's team.

I left.

Family was upset once again. I realise that most families dont really care what you do for a living or how you make money, as long as you make money. 

Anyway, I was ready for a break. I was disillusioned after defending a client who I realised had lied to me 3 months into his case. Some neighbour who is a Muslim forwarded to me Sadhanapada video, she said if she was free, she would have applied. I checked out the video and was sold on the idea. I already had done IE ,so I was eligible to apply. But first, I thought it would be a good idea to go and check out the Ashram and the culture. I immediately signed up for a volunteering program in November. 

The Isha Yoga Centre felt like home the very day I arrived there. Volunteering was hard. I had my usual round of arguments with my fellow volunteers. But my co-ordinator , one Alka Akka ,left a deep impression on me with her selfless service. She was a 100% into it. I never saw her lose her calm. She hardly ate. I didn't see her sleep. She was on and on and on. When some volunteers did not listen to her, she did not shout , she did not raise her voice, her smile did not disappear on her. She picked up the broom and she swept the floor, she laid the mattress, she served the food, she washed the utensils. On the last day, when we were giving our feedback to her, I broke down, in front of all the volunteers. I cried and couldn't stop. To me, I had found my guru. To me, she was IT! 

I was so shaken to my core by her being who she was, that I did not know what was happening inside me. When I was leaving the Ashram, she asked me if I would come back. I said no, never. She smiled, and she said I would. She said once you have found your way to him, there is no way to go back.

I told her she needs to take care of herself. This is not the way to work I said. This is not fair. She laughed, " Arrey, you dont know how I eat! I eat a lot. This was just for 4 days. You don't worry. We are all taken good care of here akka, don't worry."

I went back home and couldn't take Isha out of my head, nor could I forget Alka Akka. I called up at Isha and asked to speak to her. I did not know her other details and they couldn't locate her for me. within a week, I signed up for Bhava Spandana Program! 

It was mind blowing!

I don't need to say anything else. I am someone who has done the usual weed high and bhaang and had my intra celestrial rides!

But BSP by far was the most extra-ordinary experience! 

On my way back from BSP, I signed up for Sadhanapada. 

I knew what the Ashram was like, I had experienced volunteering. I was ready to take this step.

Isha people called within a week, then the video call happened, they called my husband and asked if he was okay with it. We both needed a break from each other so he said - Take her! 

They asked if I had any loans or other financial issues. 

Thankfully, none so far.

I could never get deep into the financial game to have any debts of my own.

On their form, they had asked if I have any psychological issues. I told them I have taken therapy on and off. 10 more detailed questions on that followed. The answer to those questions was a mini novel, or a Novella. God knows whether they read it or not. I got no reply to that email. They asked me for my blood report, and a form to be filled by my doctor. 

Within a month, I got the approval mail.

I was in.

Next Post: Preparation, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster! 

Be less: What being less taught me.

 As soon as I was exposed to school and television, there was a bombardment of "Being More" on and around me. What I was , wasn't enough. In fact I was insufficient in terms of every aspect of my life. Right from the way I looked, to how I thought. My family was less than perfect, my parents weren't celebrities, my school wasn't branded, nor were my clothes , the list was so long I didn't even know where to start.

And so started my journey in making up for all those missing ingredients which the world was telling me were necessities to lead a good life, to be happy and to feel respected.

After spending over two decades in that chase and still feeling empty inside, I stopped. I didn't stop on my own actually, my circumstances had gone so out of hand in this chase that the whole system collapsed and it came down to raw survival!

Three years back , I faced death. 

Not once, not twice, but thrice in a short span of three months. 

The first time it happened, I was gasping for breath! I was pulling air so hard, but there was no oxygen.

In that moment I realised the only thing truly needed to survive is just my breath! Everything else is a lie. 

The second time it happened, what saved me was my wit! (How to react and what to say or what not to say in front of your attacker)

I realised, in order to live and survive I need a fully functional brain. 

And the third time my knowledge of law saved me. 

Basically, it wasn't the clothes or the brands, or how I looked and behaved or any of the other superficial things I thought I needed to survive . Well! If these things have mattered then they have mattered in terms of putting me into trouble. (It makes more sense to dress like the ordinary people and not be noticed especially when you are traveling alone.)

So, I changed my lifestyle completely 3 years ago. The experiment was to see and experience for myself what life is without all these things people keep saying are so important. So I left my corporate job ( that was the best decision of my life. Corporate life is the biggest virus of human existence!)

Next, I changed my dresscode. I chose natural fabric over synthetic. Chose those clothes that blend in with others rather than stand out. Also chose comfortable breathable clothing over fashion trends that seem to put pressure on my waistline and weight. 

The whole point was to not do anything by which I seem to scream "NOTICE ME NOTICE ME!" 

Without realising, I had started being independent,secure and confident by not chasing trends, by not caring what people think, by not being more ambitious, more beautiful, more perfect, more educated, more likeable, more respectable, more of everything! 

By being less of what people wanted me to be, I was able to be myself.

Today, I don't feel the pressure of the world. Yes it does get to me when some people 'comment' and are sarcastic. But then I realise that these people are miserable themselves , their self talk is crass . Someone who treats himself that low, how can he ever treat anyone else better? So I feel pity for the comments and snares and move on happily.

Finally, I can put my hand on my heart and say that I am happy. 

There is no more chasing the carrot.

I accept myself for who I am. I accept my body for what it is, I accept and acknowledge that I get stressed when I have to do things that don't go well with my standards of morality and ethics. I have learnt to let go of 'opportunities' that looked 'lucrative', I don't regret it. 

I know myself better now that the unnecessary 'noises' in my head have been silenced. 

I also keep away from people who are highly carried away in consumerism. Just to maintain my sanity. Most of these folks are so messed up (like I was), I have tried giving them a few suggestions but it is said that a man only understands from his level of perception. 

Consumerism blinds you. It makes you stupid and ignorant.

That doesn't mean I live on a farm. I consume what I need, I am watchful about my wastage and I try my level best to recycle, upcycle what I have. 

Being less has brought me closer to myself, to my core. Now every new day is a day to fall in love with myself all over again. It is an opportunity to discover the goodness of my soul, the innocence of my heart and to appreciate the divinity in me. 

Try it yourself at least once in your lifetime. 

The struggle to write continues!

 10 years ago when I started blogging, I did not know what writing meant to me. 

That was good. It helped me to explore writing and explore a part of me with every post I dared to publish.

I had a wonderful time blogging about anything that floated in my mind. Stories, thoughts, jokes. There were no expectations from others or from myself.

But after about 3 years of blogging and over 15 stories, I suddenly felt I wanted to be a published writer. 

I don't know why I wasn't happy with publishing on the blog and with the little audience I had developed over time and why I wanted more. 

A friend who I didn't like much told me I was wasting my time on the blog as I wasn't earning anything through it. These are the geniuses who should be shot dead! It's because of characters like these that creative people suffer! 

As it is, publishing what you write isn't an easy task. It keeps getting difficult with age and the gap between your last published material and the current one. The last thing we writers need is an idiot giving us the wrong advice at a time when we are vulnerable.

And I don't know any writer or creative fellow who isn't vulnerable when it comes to his creativity!

We all are!

Anyway, it's not her I should blame but myself. 

I stopped blogging after she told me that. 

Someone else told me I should seriously start publishing my stories as in write a book. The point I missed in that advice was to keep writing regularly so that some day I would have enough material to publish.

The conclusion of all that advice was that I stopped writing completely. I wanted to earn money for every word I wrote and I wouldn't write for free.

Anyway, as the cliche goes, let bygones be bygones.

It's been 3 years since I took a break from work to write my first book.

I haven't got too far with it.

I used every easy strategy writers are known to use to be writers! Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, sex and heart break! Nothing worked.

It's only now that I have started using the real strategies. 

Discipline- focus- dedication.

A deep urge to improve the craft, read more, write more and publish more, no matter what the publishing tool. 

Today, I don't know whether I want to publish a book. 

All I do know is , I still love to write.

And that's good enough to get started. 

The art of simply being "Nothing" !

Do you know there is an app called "Nothing"? The reviews were mostly all 5 stars and what people wrote about this simple yet exotic application fired curiosity in me and I became one amongst the thousands who downloaded this app to find out , what is this "Nothing?"
Guess what? This app does exactly what it claims!
It does nothing!
But the human mind doesn't let go easily. I swiped left and right and up and down and wished and hoped that something would happen but all that I was doing was staring at a white bright screen that said "Nothing"!

You know what? My whole life ( I am 32 right now)....so, my whole life I have experienced competition. It started when I was really young..maybe just around 4 or 5. My sister could do this, so I had to do that! My friend could do that, so I had to also do that! Madness! It continued, it gets imprinted in the subconscious and some sort of a mad rush begins.....everybody is running to get somewhere....everybody! They don't stop, they don't pause, they show as if they almost got it!

I am fortunate to have parents who don't sit on my head and ask me to get a job or work! I am also fortunate to be out of relationships and the mess that ensues. So I can work when I feel like working and I can relax when I want to relax.....apart from some irritating people who keep asking "What are you doing now?" every time I pass under their nose, the world seems rather peaceful.

I have had the time to sit and do nothing. I have had the privilege to disconnect myself from the social media, phone and emails so that I get to know myself. And through all the meditations, quiet times, hours and hours of sleep....( yes! Uninterrupted baby sleep! 12 hours a day sometimes..and even more! :-) I have come to the conclusion  that "There is Nothing".

There is nothing to chase, nothing to be chased away from. Nothing to be motivated by, nothing to achieve. Nothing to be scared of, nothing to desire! Life is nothing! There is no meaning to life, it is meaningless. Our mind tries to decipher meaning out of everything and that is what causes all the pain and unhappiness in our life.

This is exactly what they teach at Landmark Forum. The hard or shall I say, the easy truth? Isn't it too easy to understand this? If there was "Nothing", then why do we go to school and try to learn and try to make something out of ourselves?
Perhaps there should be schools to help us learn this- To be Nothing! Be Nobody! And be okay with it!

Just imagine, if all of us were not fed in our brains that we have to be "Somebody and do something" , then we wouldn't have chased these manufactured dreams, we would be happy and content with what we have and who we are. But no, something out there doesn't want us to be happy with what we have and what we do. They want us to chase desires and other things so that we forever remain unhappy. Individual's Unhappiness is the key to Organisational happiness! Without unhappy people, you can not have an economically developed world. America is such a shining example of unhappy people and loads and loads of opportunities and materialistic comforts.

That something out there, which doesn't want us to be happy........that is probably something that wants to control others to their own advantage. It can be the government, it can be the companies, it can be the professionals! Think about it. Doctors don't really want a healthy society, they want people to suffer so that they get more patients. Lawyers want more crime so that they get more clients. More failures, make successful people feel better about themselves. Ugly people are necessary to make beautiful people feel worthy!

This whole "meaning" giving society that we have created has kept our peace of mind at bay. Remember, that the term 'happiness' is also giving meaning to some incident, situation or people. Without unhappiness, there can not be happiness.

The answer and the balance lies in equanimity!
If you want to be good, don't point fingers at those you consider bad.....make efforts so that there is no good and bad. But do we do that?

As a society, we just want to point fingers at other people to make ourselves look good in the eyes of , again, some other people!

I find it rather hard to understand this mad society we have created...I just walk around, looking at people, rushing at things and wish I had a remote control in my hands that could just make them "STOP" "BREATHE" & "THINK" for at least once in their life, what it is they are doing.....

The Vacation Story: Notes from Bhutan: Part B

Part B: The Vacation

(i) Planning:

January-February 2017 :

I am sure there are people out there who love to travel solo, but travelling solo is not my first choice. I am a gregarious person. Obviously there was something I wanted to prove- I wanted to prove that I need nobody to do what I want to do! (I hear a bunch of feminists cheering 'Yo Nari Shakti!')

In the meantime, frantic attempts were made to find company. On the outside, I was parading my bravery and inside, I was a scared rabbit! 

The plan was to travel right across the country , that is enter from the West and exit from the East . I booked my tickets :

 Goa to Bagdogara ; and

return from Guwahati to Goa.

There are 3 possible routes to enter and exit Bhutan. Out of which Jaigaon (West Bengal)/Phunshoeling (Bhutan) is the most common choice. (*1)

One can also take a flight to Paro. There are weekly flights from Delhi and Guwahati to Paro and I have heard that it's one of the best flight experiences in the world as the runway is short and the plane criss crosses across valleys in order to land. When I checked the flight rates in January, the cost was Rs.20,000/- one way! So please remember to book well in advance.

By February end, I had spent several hours researching websites and contacting people on Couchsurfers and Lonelyplanet to see if there are any travellers I can befriend. I received a reply to one of my requests on Bhutan Forum on LonelyPlanet one day. He introduced himself briefly (what impressed me was his Title "Dr."). Dr. Amit is a post doctoral researcher at JNU and a Bhutanese citizen. He asked if I needed any help or information regarding Bhutan(*2). I thought " Here's my chance to explore a country which is like no other in the world! It's the only country which does not harp on economics, doesn't plunder it's natural resources, where education and medical facilities are free!Wow! I wanted to learn everything about this land, its cultural fabric, what they teach at school and in their homes? Can I stay there longer? Can I settle there? Can I marry a Bhutanese?"

"I hope you are coming back" Asked my senior a few days before my trip. He perhaps read my thoughts!

Concept: My mind is a football Court! With the football being my thought. Any influential person can kick  the football  whichever way he/she likes and  I fly with the thoughts!

Amit and I started emailing regularly. We spoke on myriad topics and discussed issues and what their possible solutions may be. Amit told me it was absolutely safe for a single woman traveller to travel in Bhutan. He put me in touch with his brother, Anup who runs a travelling company "Blissful Himalayan Tours & treks" (*3). He applied for an E-permit for me so I didn't have to stand in a queue at the border. He also suggested and offered to book hotels in advance as March to May is high season. I felt like Royalty! I imagined myself arriving at the Indo-Bhutan border, the guards would salute me and the gates would be opened and I would be escorted right to Thimphu! 

Just then, my colleague Bhakti reported "Ma'am, the AC is not working!" I suddenly realised I was the plumber, the technician, electrician and everything else but Royalty! That's the challenge of having your practice. You start off thinking you will do some really sexy high end intelligent stuff and what you end up doing is - repair the PC's & the office equipment -Printer, AC etc, train the staff and do some primary filing work which nobody in the companies want to do! 

Finally I booked a Hotel on Indian side of Indo-Bhutan border (*4), just in case.

***********************************

Brief facts about Bhutan:

1. Indians need a permit to travel in Bhutan. Please carry your Passport and Election card to apply for this permit. At the border you are required to fill out an application, stick your photo and your documents, answer a couple of questions and get permission to visit Paro and Thimphu. Remember that you have permission only to visit Paro and Thimphu and no other place. If you want to visit other places, you must go to Thimphu Immigration office and apply and extend your permit. The procedure is simple, people at the immigration are friendly and patient and warm ( Just like the rest of them throughout Bhutan). There are check-posts and you are required to show your permit and get it stamped by the authorities. Do not act smart and wander in areas you do not have a permit for. Laws in Bhutan are respected; it's not like how it is in India.  

2. Your travel agent can apply for an E-Permit for you which is done online. But if you have an E-permit, your agent needs to be present with you at the time of the interview at the border.

23^th March

9.15 pm Hasimara Station 

Infants on the flight , on the bus and on the train had wrecked havoc on my sleep deprived brain. Infants should be put on a separate plane/ compartment. Sometimes I don’t understand who is a bigger nuisance? The screaming parent or the child? On top of that the train arrived late at Hasimara!

 The sun sets early and rises early in the east. When travelling solo, I always make it a point to either travel the whole night and arrive early in the morning or arrive at my destination before sun set. But then, there are these days……..The station was empty. I remembered Jab We Met scene when the Station Master lectures Kareena, “Akeli Ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai.” I ignored the gush of negative thoughts and went to the office and enquired about transport facilities to Jaigaon. A police man informed that there were shared taxi’s at the end of the platform and he told me to hurry, “Beta yahan dus baje ke baad kuch nahi milta!”

Thankfully I found a group of ladies and rode to Jaigaon with them.

When I got to the Hotel and checked in, I sat thinking ‘I wasn’t worried about my safety in a neighboring country even before I got there. But I was worried while I was in India till I got to the hotel! I couldn’t trust my motherland's streets and people. In all my travels thus far, I haven’t faced any safety related issue. I have travelled by local trains, shared taxi’s and hitched rides. Nobody was nasty to me. It brings me to a conclusion again: that Indian men are not rapists. Women, please trust them. They are here to help! Seriously! I know that the faith won’t build overnight. So put it to test and you will know. I am against taking un-needed risks, so I don’t venture out at nights neither do I wear skimpy clothes. All said and done, India has a particular mindset and a culture, respect that and it will respect you back. When travelling solo, it is no time to challenge norms.

24^th March

Entering Bhutan

The Indo-Bhutan gate was right across the hotel at a walking distance. Bhutan Standard Time is half an hour ahead of IST. The Immigration office is a 2 minute walk from the Gates and opens at 9 am BST. The earlier you go to the office the better it is. (*5)

In my full josh, I crossed over the border/gates by foot only to be stopped by a police man and was sent back to India! You can enter through the gate only if you are in a car. Otherwise you have to walk through a smaller gate at the sides. I did that, and was back in full josh walking towards Immigration office when I heard the same police man whistling and running towards me. I was confused! Now what?

“Madam, Indian?” He asked.

“Yes yes.”

“Thought so. Do you see those lines on the road?” He pointed at the zebra lines.

“They are called zebra lines sir.” I answered dutifully.

“Oh! So you know. So you walk on them if you want to cross the road. Understand? Why are you running across where there are no zebra lines? Welcome to Bhutan! Follow traffic rules! Walk on zebra lines…Understand?”

Lesson No.1 : Walk on zebra lines.

9.15 am ( BST): Immigration Office: 1^st Floor

If you have an E-Permit , you need to go to the Embassy office and not the Immigration office. They are close by. At the Immigration office, there were Indians everywhere screaming and calling out to each other. I couldn’t see where the queues began and where they ended.

When I showed my E-permit, the officials asked for my travel agent. “Why isn’t your travel agent accompanying you?” I am used to dealing with Indian authorities, so I smile and use my wit to get things done my way. But it doesn’t work in Bhutan. “Madam, you will have to apply for the regular permit then. We will cancel your E-permit!”

I had to go back to the Immigration. But fortunately, I met another Goan there. He spoke to the authorities and asked whether they can help me since there is some miscommunication with the travel agent. They sent my application to one Madam Kama. She interviewed me briefly and consented to the application. I was asked to go to the Visa/Embassy office again. A short interview and a stamp on my passport later, I was done!

The ride from Phunshoeling to Thimphu was smooth ( in other words 'uneventful' in comparison to the rest of my vacation), filled with pretty scenery and peace. Isn’t that what we come to Bhutan for?

By the time I got to Thimphu it was 7.30 pm. I found a hotel (*6), right across the Town square and crashed for the night.

25^th March

Thimphu: 10 am : Ambient Café

Ambient café is this warm, comfortable café on the first floor from the main street across the clock square. There is nothing like having a good breakfast and I was starving as I had skipped my dinner the previous night. I took a corner seat to sip a cup of hot chocolate. I realised there were 2 young Indians at the table next to me, they were speaking in Hindi and planning their trip to Paro. 

Bhutan or any other place is expensive if you want to do it absolutely solo, and I was on a budget trip. I knew I had to make friends. Actually I had met a group of Gujju mid aged ladies in my hotel and they had offered me to join them if I liked. They had also inquired why I wasn't still married! I was absolutely clear that I was not going to blow up my vacation with boring company. I would rather do the whole trip alone!

What I loved about Bhutan is that everyone loves cats! A lady walked into Ambient Cafe with her injured cat who she had taken to the vet. She placed her on the table, someone at the cafe gave her some cat food, and this monk inquired ," How you feelin' kitty?"  

I looked at the boys and smiled, “Hi! Are you guys planning to go to Paro?”

 “Yes..actually we want to do the Druk Path trek from Thimphu to Paro. You want to join?”

The guys seem to be friendly.

“ I would love to. But I want to do some sight seeing in Thimphu first.” I tell them.

“ Yes , we are doing Thimphu sight seeing today, We have another friend with us, he is gone to get a taxi.”

“So can I join? ”I ask.

Ruben looks at Ishaan for a while, “Sure! Why not? I am Ruben by the way, and this is my friend Ishaan!”.

I was proud of scoring the company of two handsome men. Finally my solo trip was looking promising! Ruben has this big open smile, you know it the moment you meet him that the guy is chilled out. Ishaan comes across as this classy, sophisticated , uptown guy and I was not sure how to approach his highness!

We finished our coffees and breakfasts, Ruben got a call from his friend and we set out on our Thimphu Sight seeing tour.

The taxi was parked at the corner of the road and just when I was about to open the door, a man stopped me with his deep voice, “This taxi is taken.”

I was puzzled and looked back at Ruben.

“Arre yeh hamare saath ayengi!”, Ruben told his friend.

“I thought this was a boy’s trip! Where’s the bro code fellas?”, The stranger didn’t look very pleased. He was tall, with curly hair and strong arms.

“And you are?” I dared to ask for his name.

“He doesn’t have a name!”, Ishaan finally spoke. He is cute, this Ishaan.

“What’s your name?” The stranger asked me.

“Janaki”.

“Well then ,I am maryada Purushottam Ram! You can call me MRP – short form!”

I looked at Ruben, he gave me this big smile which said, “Take it or leave it, your choice.” Ishaan was busy with his mobile. I thought for a second and got inside the taxi.

The first place we visited  was the Buddha Point. When I got a bit comfortable with the boys, I told MRP," Maryada Purushottam Ram is MPR not MRP."

He looked at me for a while, smiled and said,"Don't act too smart with me! Understand?"

In the next episode: Thimphu Night life and Paro!

_______________________________________________________

* 1: Bagdogara Airport   opens doors to many wonderful Himalayan beauties. It is approximately 5 hours drive to Jaigaon ( The Border town). 

Airport to Siliguri Railway Station- is a 30 mins drive.They charge approx Rs.150/- per head for this trip on sharing basis

 There is a 4.45 pm local Train from Siliguri which is scheduled to arrive at Hasimara ( 30 mins drive to Jaigaon)- Rs. 60/- ( The train journey is enjoyable. Every five minutes the view changes from tea estates to forests to grasslands to dried rivers to mountains. I spotted a herd of elephants and peacocks, everyone in the train was glued to their windows.)

 Hasimara is again 30 mins drive to Jaigaon. (Rs.40/- per head ,shared Taxi)

*2 : A list of all important contacts, taxi drivers, hotels and their rate card will be shared on my last post. But sorry, Dr. Amit’s number will not be shared! ;-)

*3 : Blissful Himalayan Tours & treks: Anup Jaishi: anup.jaishi@gmail.com ;Mob: +975 77319956

http://www.tourism.gov.bt/directory/tour-operator/blissful-himalayan-tours-and-treks

*3: Hotel Satyam : +91 8116233392; hotelsatyamjaigaon@gmail.com : The hotel is 2 minutes walk from the border gates. A single room costs approx rs.750/-. The staff is very helpful and trustworthy. Food is good. The place is clean. 

*4 : Haa Valley –Bhutan: haavalleyhomestay@gmail.com. Also check: http://www.tourism.gov.bt/plan/home-stay

*5 : The Immigration office is open from 9 am till 5pm, Monday to Friday. If you reach the Immigration at 4.30 pm on a Friday, you may get stuck in the queue and may not be able to cross over. So get to the office early.

In case you are stuck and can’t get through to Bhutan. You will have to pass your time in Phunshoeling. Indians are allowed to roam around in Bhutan till 15 kms from the border, then the check posts start.

*6 : Hotel Gazel: (00975)-2324002; 17248826 ghaselhotel@gmail.com. FB:ghaselhotel

Please note: This is a Vacation story, not just a travel blog. For me, there is no traveling if there are no stories. 

The Vacation Story: Notes from Bhutan : Part A

Introduction:

Everything makes sense only when you see it as a whole, and not in its fragmented parts! The word is "Holistic"! Therefore there are three parts to my vacation story:

A. The Before

B. The Vacation

and 

C. The After

A few points :

1. I am writing after a 2 year gap! Something definitely happened on this trip that has broken the writer's block. Many thanks to many people- Each person I have met has contributed to something that is happening now.

2. Special thanks for the photos to The-one-who-must-not-be-named! My photographer friend loves surprises!

3. I have learnt and realised that I am a little bit of everybody. There's a me in everyone I have met, I have spoken to, loved and hated. Therefore when I describe people in my blog in positive or negative tones, it's something in their personalities that I had at some point in the past or I want to have in the future and therefore I notice those traits and choose to comment on them. There's a saying "Your perception of me is a reflection of you." 

4. Legally speaking, I can put a footnote on every statement of this blog which opposes everything I have said. That's the duality of life. The Yin and the Yang! ( For more of such perspective altering statements, read Change your Thoughts, Change your Life) 

5. At the end of every post, I have defined certain terms the way I meant to use them. (*n) and in between I have added concepts I have learnt on this journey.

6. Why am I trying so hard to be politically correct? 

A. The Before: Part I

There is a reason why I travel to places I travel to. My Landmark Forum trained brain goes 'ch ch....Reason? Stories?' 

Well! But I do everything for a REASON!

Concept: There is a calling!

Year 2016: 

I started my Secretarial practice in Goa. This was one decision I was running away from since 10 years. 

I was expected to start practice after completing law studies , I didn't. 

I was expected to start practice after completing CS! - I didn't. 

Instead I took up a job in Bangalore which was deeply traumatic. The horror of that experience pushed me to seek comfort in the tried and tested work profile - of practice! ( I have a lineage of law practitioners. Practicing law is considered the safest option to lead a happy life- I choose to differ on that opinion though.) 

I was too happy that the pollution of the city of Bangalore and the poison of over-ambitious retards (*1) wasn't choking me. I like the pace in Goa. People don't run around like their arses are on fire (*2) . Most Goans treat each other with sweet respect and love. Tempers do flare occasionally, but most folks know to calm down after a beer or a feni or whatever thing that makes them happy at the end of the day! 

Life is good .

But then, as work picked up, calls increased, work timings extended!

My simple plan was:

Work 9 to 5, come home, read a good book, try to write and go to sleep. 

Or 

Watch a good film & go to sleep, 

or 

Go cycling/ clubbing/ do other million activities Goa offers and go to sleep (in peace). 

But modern life isn't as simple! The arse on fire mentality does flow through the system once in a while and I did come across people who themselves are stressed and love to stress the hell out of others. Women, I realised are the stress giving kinds ( That includes me. I am not pointing fingers without taking a responsibility :). I haven't come across a man who got on to my nerves. 

"It's because You are an attractive woman!" 

Laughed my Senior/ Mentor, Vinay. 

Maybe! 

But 8 months into practice and I still hadn't read a book. I don't remember which was the last film I watched. The only thing I remember doing often was to hit Mojo or any other pub in Panaji with my bestie Darshan and drink (sometimes dance like a demented soul to the horror of other guests)  and take off the frustration! 

Add to this, our Indian social pressures. No! I am not exactly tormented by my parents to get married AGAIN! But then, there's always a statement passed here and there about how 'Intelligent & smart' some woman has been by 'choosing' to get married! 

I don't understand what is the connection between intelligence and marriage!

The problem is, my friends are getting married.  and some others are having kids or bringing up kids. ( This has the peer pressure effect. Say as you may like statements as "Why do you have to care about them" , it is a fact ( true to me) that the overall energy, intellect ( or the lack of it!), frustrations, happiness of the populace floats in the air and affects me! 

Trust me, single women like myself feel ostracized by this system! I have stopped hanging around with couples or groups of friends which have couples in it. My single female friends have told me they feel the same as I. Some of them have stopped socializing altogether. Not just them, but even their parents don't step out of the house as people keep asking , "When is she getting married?" "Why isn't she getting married?" etc etc.

I never faced this in Bangalore!

Ever! 

I often see Young married girls speak and behave in a strangely mature, middle-aged- kind of fashion! 

I don't find common topics for discussions! If I check out a hot guy around the corner I get reactions like:

 "Shii. Please ya, stop it!" (*3) or  

"Don't behave as if you are desperate aa!"

One woman, my age, even said, " Please behave your age!" 

Hello! Unless I choose to be an ascetic I will be checking out men, or whatever that I want to check out even on my death bed.

And so will you- Secretly!

Concept: The longer you invest yourself in a single activity or location, higher your expectations become, and depending on what you have invested yourself into, you become either  more impatient ,agitated and unhappy OR you become calm, patient, and happy! The choice is yours!

Bhutan was first discussed in 2015! Then again in 2016 amongst my usual group of friends. I wasn't  keen on doing this trip with any couples, but many of my friends  are hitched and all of us , girls and boys are quite adventurous so we discussed cycling in Bhutan, Or trekking in Bhutan etc. Based on the excitement I even bought a sexy bike! But come December 2016 and there still weren't any sure shot Yes's!

That was it!

31st December 2016: 

At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India awoke to life and freedom! 

India welcomed the New year with so much noise that the old who are heart patients struggling to keep alive pop out with the 'dada bombs', the infants realise they have entered 'hell' and not earth and the animals and birds run so fast for cover in so many directions they hit and die a terrible death! But why do we care? We are having our Tryst with the Destiny at every New Year, every political rally, Chaturthi, or Diwali! Why do we care about noise pollution when we have bigger issues to handle such as 'How to ban certain food items which form staple diet of a few communities'. After all, we are a secular country! 

Amidst all the noise , messages popping and phones ringing and my dogs shivering and hiding under me for cover, I had made a decision...

I am going to Bhutan- Solo! 

( To be continued....Part 2) 

___________________________________________________________

*1: Over-ambitious retards are those people who aren't able to handle their own expectations of themselves and who are obviously frustrated and stressed the whole time! They are those who blame, curse, mistreat others and spread negativity at a workplace like it's their life's sole objective!

*2: For more on Arse-on-Fire: Visit Mumbai Local station!

*3: Shii is an equivalent of "Yuck" in Konkani.