Sudha Murthy's short story 'Genes'

I read this short story by Sudha Murthy Called 'Genes',

in her otherwise positive motivational stories,

this stands as a slight exception,

and it made me think...

The story goes that at her grandfather's house came a young boy who said he had no family and no money and nowhere to go and asked for help.

Murthy's grandfather kept him him as a house help, taught him how to do daily puja and paid him Rs.100 per.month. In those days 100 was a lot for an unskilled labourer. 

but that boy (Anant) learnt everything  in time. He assisted every member of the family and continued working for just rs.100.

Later a nearby village priest who had only one daughter, got her married to Anant and Anant moved to the other village to take care of the local temple. 

Time passed by.

Years later Anant comes asking for a loan for his IIT'ian Grandson. 

Sudha Murthy lands 2 lakhs without any documentation because she trusts Anant. 

More years pass by.

No word from the IITian grandson.

Years later she sees the IIT'ian boy as a rich man traveling business class and attends the same program as her.

He however does not seem to notice her.

She finally gets in touch with him via his office. His assistant says he is too busy. She persists , and he comes on the line.

When she reminds him abt the loan,

He reminds her that his grandfather worked his ass off for a meagre salary of rs.100/- . That is exploitation. And Murthy should have compensated his family rather than asking him  to pay back a meagre loan. But keeping his grandfather's sentiments in mind, he isn't pushing for anything, neither talking abt it in the public space. 

Murthy ends the story by stating that she realised that day that honesty isnt passed down through genes,

only diseases are.

This story made me think.

Was the grandson wrong to feel anger  towards Murthy?

True that Murthy's family supported the young man when he had nobody else,

but wasn't it true that they did in fact exploit him? that they could have paid him more with time since he was an honest man, dedicated to the family? 

Isn't it fair to be angry for not being paid handsomely for your honesty and loyalty?

I forwarded this story amongst some of my close friends and got very interesting replies. 

Some felt that yes, Anant was exploited. This is how rich people keep being rich. They like to collect honest people but are not ready to pay for that loyalty.

Others felt that Murthy's family gave this man everything that he is standing on today. They imparted their values and way of life which one can not measure in terms of money. 

What do you think?

Why did Anant's grandon feel so angry at Murthy? 

I see the same anger seething in class and caste distinctions! Lower castes and lower classes (in terms of money and power) feel a lot of resentment towards the upper classes, those they have to serve. 

I wonder why humans in general hate those who are in some way better than them? 

Or is there some other angle to this scenario which I am missing out?

Finally, some place where I stop.

My whole life I have been running around, feeling some constant need to do so much, as if , if I don't do it and if I stop then the whole world will collapse, or I will cease to exist. 

 Now for the very first time in my life I feel at peace. I used to feel this level of peace on the 5th day of vipassana meditation until the 15th day, and then my world would collapse again. 

 What all of that was , was an external voice telling me that I am not enough, that I need to do something in order to be worth living. Eventually that voice became my internal voice. Even when I was far away from the influences of that voice, that voice kept speaking, it wasn't someone else anymore, it was me. 

 No matter where I went, who I was with, that voice kept giving me a negative vibe. 

 It's a horrible feeling, to live with that voice. 

It's a bloody disease in the mind that affects everything- mind, body and soul. 

 And I know that it is in a lot of people. Especially women. 

Most women live a life that makes someone else happy. They choose someone else over themselves. I think this has a lot to do with history and how for centuries women have been treated like second hand, second class citizens.

 But now, finally, as I am nearing 40, I can feel that voice losing its grip on me. 

 One, I am tired of running around and doing things to make someone else happy. Neither the qualifications nor the money made me happy. Yes it could buy me more stuff and maybe better vacations, but again, none of that was ever denied to me in my life to chase them now, so I didn't particularly feel an affinity towards those things. 

 Second, disease and death near me taught me an important lesson about life. 

In the end, when you are counting your breaths, nothing that the current world is doing matters. NOTHING! 

When I was in Bangalore, one very ambitious young man of 30 with two children and a wife died of a stroke. When I went for the funeral at his house, I saw on his cupboard a chart with his life goals on it. He already had a home in Bangalore and another one in Chennai, and he wanted a third one in Mumbai. He wanted a home in every big city. 

 This boy was something I had looked up to. His death disillusioned me. I couldn't make any sense of anything. 

 Whoever I met at work and whoever I worked with seemed to be clueless about life- like headless chicken. Them and me, all of us, just running around chasing things not knowing what we really want, not taking any time to ask that question or stop or wonder. Just running and chasing stuff because someone else is showing it off. 

 As time passed, I just let go of things one by one. The comments kept mounting. I started avoiding socialising for this very reason. but now I have found a better way. 

I have learnt to keep the balance between the society and my inner needs. I dress up just enough to pass their standard tests, so I can just get by without raising any eyebrows or any unnecessary conversations. "How are you?" they ask, "Good thank you" and I move on. I don't ask them how they are , or get into any other topics for any discussions. Just float around a bit, keep a smile pasted on the face, and move move move till you reach the door and out I go. 

 This strategy works.

Welcome 40’s!

What's so good about getting old?

 I feel better, calmer ,more peaceful now than ever before. 

There is more understanding about myself and my likes and dislikes and my trigger points so I can navigate my life better than ever. 

 My communication with my body has improved. She tells me what she needs and what doesn't sit right with her and I listen. 

 The best part is really not having to listen to parents and other adults who tell you that they know better. No thank you very much. This is my life, I want to figure it out my way. I want to ride my car the way I like. 

 The hormones have settled. 

 All those different things I wanted to try out- climb a mountain, make a film, write a story, work for a company, practice law, have boyfriends- many boyfriends, marry- divorce- then marry once again...all those crazy stupid desires are met. 

 Now all I want to do, is sit by my window, read and write, cook, play with my cats and live a peaceful and joyful life with my husband.

 Aah! That's heaven! 

 I have been quite lucky for having a chance to do everything I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. There was nothing stopping me, except my own limitations. Of course there are still many things that keep my super busy. 

 I want to be more consistent with my sadhana and writing routine. I want to get back to MMA training- but I don't know whether MMA and my sadhana align, let's see. 

 There are a lot more things I do not wish to do anymore:

 1. Working at or for a NGO 

 2. Working for a law firm or at an advocate's office 

 3. Traveling every now and then. Once in a few years maybe okay, depends. Definitely not a stressful trip with people where you see several places and click a lot of pictures.

 4. Dress up! Yo! I love my pyjamas too much! 

5. Rescue and adopt any more animals. 

6. Alcohol. 

7. Non-veg food

8. Attend parties. A big no unless I really love the host.

 9. Watch movies with Ranbir Kapoor in it. 

 For now, I love my peaceful existence in Comba. 

Love to sit at the many windows of my house - in the East, West and North and connect with the sky. I definitely want to get back to blogging. Nothing special, just an extension of my diary. 

The Silence is killing us- Religion, Caste, Gender and India today

 I am currently attending a workshop by Adv.Norma Alvares and Adv. Claude Alvares on Public Interest Litigation. It started in April, 16 lectures on 16 topics of public interest.

These discussions only made it absolutely clear what state we are in as a democracy! How the environment is under a full blown attack and nobody cares about it. 

The widespread corruption! Not that it was ever any less! It has always been the case in India that the rich and the powerful get away with anything. 

(Watched Trial by Fire on Netflix. It's a true story. in 1997 A cinema hall in Delhi called Uphaar burnt down due to management negligence. 59 people died. And the owners- Ansals got away with just 6 months  imprisonment ,that too after 25 years of litigation that went upto Supreme Court. There is also a book by the same name written by Krishnamoorthy's. These parents lost both their children in that fire. They found out that The film hall was locked from outside. When the transformer in the basement caught fire, people in the hall started suffocating due to smoke. But they couldn't get out. The management, The Ansals, had strictly told the Manager to lock the hall so that not a single person enters without a ticket! This story is about their struggle to get justice. A struggle that never saw justice take place. We often want happy endings. And we find it very stressful to watch such 'negative' endings. But reality and the truth can be harsh. We must grow up and build the courage to face it.)

While this is happening in the background: most people are enjoying their free ride!  The activists are burning their ass off to stop illegal activities happening throughout the State. But the activists are a few. The powerful are too powerful. The ignorance and lack of care by the rest of people will finally take down all of us! 

( One film which is on spot on this issue is "Don't Look Up" - On Netflix. I thought everyone would understand what this film is trying to say. It's not about a meteorite hitting planet Earth. It is about the state of affairs we are in! How stupid our democratically elected representatives are, how the media is manipulating us and how the social media has trapped us. The film got released, I was like- Oh Thank god! At least now , some people will wake up from their slumber! But no. I over-estimated the stupidity which is rampant in our society. I found myself hyperventilating like Jennifer Lawrence for a while, and then accepted the situation that we are all doomed! ) 

Citizens in general don't care about the environment, the pollution, state of our water bodies. Their focus is on the rat race.  Their limited intellect isn't helping them connect the dots to see that their children are going to be the ones to suffer the most!

So what do we do from here? What are you expecting the world to do? Stop? Like it happened during Covid?

Yes!

Maybe Covid happened so we could stop and look at what is happening for once. 

But again, I realised I had under estimated the stupidity. 

Soon, everything went on as usual.

Nothing changed!

Not a rule changed!

I read somewhere that the biggest enemy is not evil.

The biggest enemy is stupidity.

The Evil will use the stupid to do evil. and the stupid will do it because he is stupid.

So what we should all sit and talk about serious stuff and get stressed and die?

No.

At the least, be a part of the solution. 

open your tiny brains to understand what sustainability is, what climate change is. 

At least don't be stupid damn it!

Don't fight amongst yourselves over religions! That's like the mega dumbest thing to do on this planet right now. This is like - baba, what danger are we really facing as a planet and what are you fighting against?

The second dumbest thing is this social race - keeping up with the Jonases! Everyone is thinking - My car, my house, my family, my child, my wife, my this, my that!

Their world doesn't extend beyond that. 

this is it!

This is the start and the finish to their life's story.

My dreams, my desires, my body, my hair, my skin, my jewels, my ...my ..my! 

🙄

For once, step outside this I ,me, myself and look around you.

For once, think- I've got everything I need. What can I do today for someone else? 

For once- spare a thought at least for someone else- a prayer maybe, a good intention, a blessing- anything will do. You don't need to be a crorepati to do something.

We often complain about the rich hoarding money. But how are we any different? They have crores and give away only a few lakhs. We have Lakhs, do we give away a few thousands maybe to save someone else's life? There too we will keep an account. 

And when it comes to helping, if you must help. Please help someone who can not do anything for you.

don't trade in this. 

But minorities are really suffering right now!

Can you not understand that we need to stop talking this nonsense about minorities and majorities? About upper castes and lower castes? 

Can you not see we are being divided on flimsy issues in order to cover up the main issues?

Can you please stop fighting over the candy because you won't have air to breathe tomorrow, damn it!

I am saying this here- Both- Both of you are equally responsible for this shit!

The minorities want stuff for themselves. They want 'special' treatment.

So why shouldn't the majorities not want stuff for themselves too?

What have you done special to deserve the special treatment?

The lower castes want reservation, then why shouldn't the upper castes play games with you?

How long will you take to keep the past in it's place and live in the present?

Is it necessary to walk around with the shit someone threw in your face a 1000 years ago?

Or 100 years ago?

Or 10 years ago?

Or 1 year ago?

How much time do you need to grow out of this stupidity?

Can you start talking as human beings? Rather than talking on your caste, religion, gender lines ? 

This is disgusting!

Both these groups disgust me! Their hypocracy , their limited mindsets, their stupidity, their inability to look beyond themselves disgusts me! 

They are so attached to one class of people that they don't see the pain the other side feels!

That is how insensitive they have become.

So only minorities are suffering. If someone from majority side is killed, raped, burnt alive- do anything with them, but this class of people won't speak up. 

Why?

They are not humans?

Human Rights dont apply to them?

If you care so much about human rights, shouldn't you feel it for all?

So, yes

Something has gone terribly wrong on systemic level. Our systems are stupid. They are making us stupid. Our education system has made us numb dumbasses! 

We need to work together for our growth. We don't need to work our ass off for a job to make a living.

Even animals make a living without an education, don't they?

Why is it that some of us have so much and why is it that we don't care a damn about those who don't have much.

Why is it that our farmers are poor? and our CEO's are so god damned rich? How can it be that the person who grows our food and takes care of our soil is at the bottom of our hierarchy?

Have you ever thought about it?

Don't you see the system is upside down?

How can you be okay with this injustice?

Why are we not protecting our farmers? Aren't they the ones to put food on our tables?

Are we going to eat computers and mobile towers tomorrow?

When is this stupidity going to stop?

Is it ever going to stop?

Is it too much to ask these questions? Or you want me to sugar coat them so you don't feel too bad about being stupid? 

Yes, let's talk about this, okay? You say whatever you have on your mind about me- selfish bitch what the hell are you doing to change the situation? who the hell do you think you are to point fingers at us? righteous bitch as if you are any different from us!

yes , let it all come out.

say it.

But let's talk about the issues that matter the most to us, okay?

let's fight over having a better environment, having more time for all of us, having no stress, 

let's fight for a better future for all of our children! 

but let's not keep silent anymore, alright?

The silence is killing us!

Edit #1 : I am aware of religious , caste, gender persecution issues. I am not saying it doesn't matter at all. It is unfair to persecute someone because someone is a woman, or because she is a muslim or rape her because she is a hindu. That is wrong. 

What I want to put focus on is the silence we keep when something is wrong. When someone from my family does something wrong which hurts someone else from another family, I choose to keep quiet because this is family! - This mentality is the problem. 

Those who can see something is wrong - choose to not speak up. So the wrong keeps perpetuating.

 

Sadhanapada : Post 2 : Preparation, anxiety and an emotional roller coaster!

 I had used Buddha's "Equanimity" technique to deal with those 25 days of applying and waiting for the answer.

So I was in that in between stage: It may happen or it may not happen. Be okay with any result.

I was practicing Shambhavi, bhuta shuddhi, fasting and I was also fully involved in my life in Goa. My cats, home, husband, parents, friends, sister- the usual rackets were on!

But after the approval, things changed. I wasn't equanimous anymore. I was going away for 7+ months, my life in Goa came to a full stop. 

It was almost like I was told I am dying in June 2023 so do whatever you need to do here in Goa before that.

Suddenly there was this deep urge to go camping, to stay up all night, to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, to meet people I didnt care about meeting because I had all the time in the world, now there were just 4 months! I panicked! 

I was also worried. I was deeply worried about my people back home, yes the same people I usually complain about. 

How will they live their lives without me? What if something goes wrong? I won't be able to come back in these 7 months. I started thinking of the worst case scenarios and preparing for those. What followed was high levels of anxiety. Shambhavi mahamudra was arresting it till some extent, but then my schedule went completely out of hand till a point that I just couldn't get out of my bed on some days. All I wanted to do was to sleep and troubleshoot in my brain.

Some funny things also started happening. As if life started playing on fast forward mode. I had stopped talking with a few friends, I got back in touch with them. Some of them wanted closure , I think I said the right things so they could have the closure they needed. (Or did I make a small opening for a new life inquiry in the name of closure? )

My mind was racing, it was super duper scared! An Ashram isn't a good place for the mind and the ego. They both take severe beating in that place. It's Tihar Jail for the mind! It's the hardest thing one could endure if mind and ego is centre stage.

My mind and ego are centre stage. I know it because I can see how I get angry and upset.  I struggle to accept things. I worry about life being unfair, unjust, cruel, a bad place. I have a 1000 worries in my mind right now. Duniya ka bojh mere kandhe pe hai!

What worried me most was how to pack for 7 months? IYC (Isha Yoga Centre) said get 7 sets of casual/work clothes, 2 pairs of track pants and t-shirt, 1 pair of white top and bottom, and 1 formal wear. One of my biggest attachments is clothes.I love to wear freshly washed garment every day. I don't like to repeat clothes often. I will wear one pair this week and repeat it maybe in 2 weeks or so. 

My second biggest attachment is Books! I read digital as well as physical copies. "Akka, can we get books?" 

" You can get but I doubt you will get the time to read." - IYC.

So what followed was this panicky state in which I started consuming books. I wanted to read everything! I started reading 10 books at the same time! Even during practicing mahamudra I was thinking which book, what page, what concept, what to note down...

Third attachment is intellectual conversations , which are rare anyway. But I still 'look out' for them. IYC has said Sadhanapada is not the time for networking, making friends , debating. It is the time for inner growth. It's not meant for socialising. 

I hunted down people with whom I could engage in an intellectual romance! After one such full day of hyper-intellectual talk, in which I spoke continuously, without food for over 6 hours, I came home and collapsed! I had to be taken to the hospital to check my vital signs. Heat was also on the rise, summer is more hot than it ever was , thanks to Climate change! So the heat, my mind on full blast, no food, a big mugfull  coffee and one big cup of tea = me collapsing!

Thankfully everything was normal- pressure, sugar. Doctor asked to take rest and not think too much. Relax!

I did not know how to relax!

At that point I had even forgotten to deep breathe. I was aware of my breath. I was aware of everything. But as I said earlier, awareness is not enough, I need something more.

That something more is 'actually doing it'.

Over the last decade I have become more of an academician. I study, I theorise but I have very little practical experience. I have tested a few things, but those were like lab tests within a small range. What I lack is large scale, wild, real- life testing. Not a simulation! 

And because I have less practical experience, I have more doubt.

I doubt everything. 

The good part about doubt is that you take nothing for granted. But the bad part of doubt is that it wastes a lot of time in installation mode. To operate life, you must assume a few things that you know. They have worked in the past and they will work now. Yesterday I was able to run 10 kms, so today I should be able to do it. Yes, all days won't be the same. Some day you'll do it easy, some days you struggle to cover the same distance. But that is no reason to doubt it's efficacy. If the basics are taken care of, you are good to go. You can't live life on exceptions and on the odd case/worst case scenario. 

At my age, most people are super sure about at least a few things. Some of them are sure of their marriage, some are sure of their careers, some are sure of their talents and passions.

I am not sure about anything!

From what I have experienced in my life so far- "anything can happen anytime " is the only statement I am sure of. 

So this stage lasted from around March till Mid May. 

Finally in May I am exhausted ! 

I have eaten everything I want to eat. Stressed and panicked as much as I would like. Packed, over packed and then emptied the bag and finally put in exactly what they asked me to get. No more. No less. I have run every scenario in my head- I may leave and come back within a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or actually complete the whole program and do the sadhana to my heart's desire! 

Whatever it is, I am finally ready to face it. I felt like Arjuna facing the great battle and his dilemma, why am I doing this? 

Regardless of what the consequences will be- I will do this program. I will give my 100% to it. Each day. 

This is it.